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Critical Analysis #1

My Forever Pain

DLM!
New Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 2
Greenville,AL

0 posted 1999-11-09 01:00 AM

My Forever Pain
There is this feeling
I get from not seeing you
There is no healing
There is nothing I can do

Sometimes I get so lonely
Because I want to see your face
My heart yearns for you only
You have yet to be replaced

I try to fight it
But the pain still shines through
There is no denying
The pain of loving you

It was a wonderful expression
Of a love so deep and true
But a horrible depression
Of a life without you

I can still feel
The fires of passion flamming high
But somehow I know I will
Let our high school love die

I'll still hold you close
And know you're with Him upstairs
So when I need you most
I'll send you a prayer

And even though you're up above
You will always reign
As my first true love
And as my forever pain

[This message has been edited by DLM! (edited 11-09-1999).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-11-13 10:26 AM

I must be mellowing because I actually found myself moved by the last two stanzas of this poem. I've listened to the argument that poems should, to some extent, be general so that other people can relate to it but I wonder if this poem would be even more effective if you give some descriptions of the person you're talking about or some context to build an atmosphere. Right now, you've got words screaming with grief but nothing that makes a reader feel that pain -- except for that couple of lines. So what do I know.

Brad

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

2 posted 1999-11-13 11:30 AM

I agree with Brad's opinion on this one- also, the metr is really choppy, I was really stumbling, and that detracts from it greatly...I think the poem needs a complete "makeover" so to speak....use some descriptives that make the reader feel pain, like comparing the emotional pain to physical pain, and clean up the meter.

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Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.

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