Untitled 4 - pipTalk Forums

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Critical Analysis #1

Untitled 4

jamaicabradley
Junior Member

since 1999-11-04

Posts 39

0 posted 1999-11-04 12:45 PM

Left of center
see this from behind
arm stretched
in abeyance
feeling
from whence
this chill
come...

To freeze
the obsequious
fertility
of my memory
so now

I am
in you
as the dial tone
amplifies
triggers fear

The fear
reprisal brought
today
to familiar
voices
commanding my resistance

For the simplicity
of my fear
would be
that
of
rejection

A deeper
intention
to drive away
this
compassion.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-11-07 06:16 PM

I'm very confused about the last stanza but I enjoyed the rest. I think the second and third stanzas are quite well done. I would think about punctuation on this one. It would lessen the jarring of things like 'amplifies/triggers'. If the last line of the first stanza a double play on 'come' -- might be a better way to bring that out.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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