The Understated Masterpiece

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Critical Analysis #1

The Understated Masterpiece

marzar
New Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 6

0 posted 1999-10-29 11:42 AM

The Understated Masterpiece

Gently falling are the leaves of time,
Obscuring from view,the chimney puffing smoke.
Wishfully calling is a frog in his prime
With an echoing song in his croak.

The aged, cordwood cabin stands
Between the moss pond and my thought.
Inhaling earth, grass, mud, and sands
Intensity is caught.

Golden hues of warmth fondle my emotions.
As do the comforting creaks of rotting wood.
The crackling fire inside the walls of time's distortion

And it was good.

Is this not a masterpiece painted by the birds?
A fantastic illusion,or the threshold of?
I have stumbled upon a place for no words,
Built from nature and God's shining love.

Beauty such as this is a moment in time stolen.
A tapestry which holds the magic, no artist could capture.
The murky cloud that escapes the chimney keeps roll'in

As was...
As is...
Ever after...

[This message has been edited by marzar (edited 10-30-1999).]

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-10-29 01:22 PM

I really think this has some potential- I think the main thing is the meter...it needs som serious work. I think you should subtract a word or two from the longer lines,and add a word or two to the shorter ones...I was really stumbling on this one.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-11-03 04:20 AM

SD's already mentioned the meter problem. I like the title and some of the image itself; it works very well. However, I would think about downplaying the whole time thing. Try to suggest it without actually telling us what you're writing about.

Drop the last three lines and "And it was good" -- I don't think they help the poem very well.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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