One Final Prayer - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

JOY 14
Senior Member

since 1999-09-22

Posts 1419
Wisconsin USA

0 posted 1999-10-10 04:22 PM

It's not anyone's fault
Since time began
For there was a problem from the start
When God created man.

He sent his only son
To rid us of our sins
And guide us to faith
In all battles fought
Lost or won

It's not your fault
The world's not right
But God gave us all purpose
And a strong will to fight.

It's never going to be all right
For you, who has been wronged
And no one on this green earth
Can show you the holy light

So, all that's left is a final prayer
Only someone who's young like me can give
For even though I've never seen
The world and how it's more
Than cruel and mean....

It takes a young soul that reaches out
And tries to bring hope to the hopeless
And good to those who are bad.

So, all that's left for me to do
Is say a final prayer for you
To not give up the strength
To reach out and hold my hand.

JOY 14
Senior Member

since 1999-09-22

Posts 1419
Wisconsin USA

1 posted 1999-10-10 04:42 PM

It's me, the writer of this poem. Please reply and tell me what you think. I need to know. Thanks.

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

2 posted 1999-10-23 04:46 PM

Hi Joy.

The thoughts and theme behind this poem are wonderful. (Probably more meaningful for some than others... especially if they agree with you and share your faith, as I do). I think you need to work on this poem some more and I'd love to see a revision of it.

This is what I see: First, some of the stanzas roll right off your tongue and have a set meter and rhyme to them. Some don't, which makes the poem more difficult to read. You need to do one or the other, I think. Either make it rhyme and stick to the meter, or write free verse (Even in free verse, though, it's good to establish a flow o the words which has a rhythm to it).

For instance: In the first stanza, you rhyme the 2nd and 4th line....the meter is awkward in this stanza because of the length of the 3rd line. The second stanza had 5 lines instead of 4 and only the first and 5th lines rhyme. The 3rd stanza repeats the rhyme of the 2nd and 4th line form the 1st stanza. The 4th stanza rhymes the first and 4th lines. And the 5th stanza has no rhymes at all. Etc.... similar variances through to the end.

So, although there are no set "rules", per se, by incorporating so much variance in meter and line length, you could possibly lose your reader. All of the above has to do with structure, which is important to your poem because it's going to help you get your ideas across.

I took the liberty of doing an edit to your poem to show you what I mean about working on the structure. I hope you don't mind. (This could have been several different ways. It could have been turned into a free verse poem, for example, instead of editing to make the lines uniformly metered and rhymed).

Anyway, here goes. Let me know whether you think this helps. (Again, I hope I'm not out of line by actually editing your poem for you):

It's noone's fault.
Since time began
It's been the same
since God made man.

He sent his Son
To make sins white
And guide our faith
To fight the fight.

It's not your fault.
The world's not right.
But God gave us
Strong will to fight.

For you, who's wronged
It can't turn right.
No-one on earth
Shows holy light.

So, all that's left
Is a final prayer
And soon the Lord
will take you there.

Because I'm young,
I haven't seen
The world as cruel,
The world as mean.

I reach my soul
To bring you hope
to hopeless heart
to help you cope.

I reach my soul
To sway the wrong
Toward lives of good;
This is my song.

So, all that's left
for me to do
Is say a final
prayer for you --

To not give up,
To understand,
To reach out now
and hold my hand.

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

3 posted 1999-10-23 09:09 PM

Joy, like doreen, I was lost in the uneven flow of this one. You go from using one meter to another, which could possibly work in some pieces, but does not do this one justice. Doreen's suggestion is a very good one and I like what she has showed you. See how much more smoothly this reads and flows now?
Great revisoin Doreen!

misterpoet
Junior Member

since 1999-10-26

Posts 18

4 posted 1999-10-26 12:59 PM

i also agree with suggestions for your poem made by Doreen.

typically if you're going to free verse a poem, it's a good idea to free verse the entire poem and if you're going to rhyme, stay consistent. You can have a free verse poem and still maintain the melody behind the words.

good thoughts in the poem though.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.