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Two Boy High
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Two Boy High |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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Locked in the soft shell of childhood the sun freckles into them the energy of trees and grass. On the roof with a brown finch and a crust of bread concentrating to be still they cock their eyes at each other not telling their joy. The bird accepts the feast, pieces it then winks a wing before flight. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
I must praise your ability to create a scene like this... I could see the whole thing. Especially well written was: "the sun freckles into them the energy of trees and grass." I enjoy your vividness without being overly descriptive. It's nice not to have one's intelligence insulted by everything being spelled out. I'd love to offer some ctitique... but I love it just the way it is. Thanks... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Good poem, I'll try and break down what I liked and disliked about it and why.... "Locked in the soft shell of childhood the sun freckles into them the energy of trees and grass." Great stanza and set up, really liked the first two lines. The only quam I have is with the last line....(Trevor wearing a mean scowl..."Excuse me last line, step outside I'd like to have some words with you!)....  it seemed a little flat, I think it was the use of the word "energy"."On the roof with a brown finch and a crust of bread concentrating to be still they cock their eyes at each other not telling their joy." Another terrific stanza. One suggestion I have though is consider joining the 5th and 6th lines together. It seemed like the break between them was unnecessary. "The bird accepts the feast, pieces it then winks a wing before flight." Three for three with the stanza's. Couple of suggestions though. Perhaps think of a different word other than "feast", maybe one that subtly relates the bird eating with its relationship to the two boys. Also maybe go with another word other than "before" perhaps "and" (I dunno, these are just suggestions) or just "flight" by itself, that might give it a little more of a "completeness" to the ending....."before flight" kind of represents to me that there is something after this. Just an idea, yours to do with how you see fit. Thanks for the read, it was very good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Take Care,Trevor |
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