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She's Got Wings
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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She's Got Wings |
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HM3 Member
since 1999-07-15
Posts 169TX |
She's got wings, she refuses to fly She's got wings, I can't imagine why She's got wings, but what can they do? She's got wings she'll never use She's got wings but she won't let them show She's got wings, she thinks nobody knows She's got wings, but she won't take flight She's got wings she tucks in tight She's got wings, I saw with my own eyes She's got wings that she won't even try She's got wings, she could soar above the clouds She's got wings , I have no doubt |
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| © Copyright 1999 Mark Ozee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
HM3, this was good. I liked it. It was thought provoking for me, and very imaginative. My only suggestion is the last line. It kind of threw me..the ryhme wasn't quite right...maybe change it a little, or try changing the next to last line to fit the last one..something like that. Great poem. I hope to get to read any rewrites you do. ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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Red Letter Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 85Allentown, PA |
Ok, well.. hmmm Here's what I think: your rhyming is a bit weak: do-use, show-knows, eyes-try, clouds-doubt -- if you were singing this instead of it being written, it would probably 'fly' (sorry, couldn't resist) but reading it is distracting. It doesn't "feel" right to the reader. I would highly suggest a rhyming dictionary to see the use of "true" rhyming words - I promise that some of the most talented rhyming poets use them. My only other suggestion is that while I can understand the appeal of repeating the same thing as the beginning of every line, due to the length of the poem, it loses it's strength mid-way through the second stanza. Either trim the poem to two very very powerful stanzas or find another way to express the strength of that phrase... A good effort but I think it can be better... Just some thoughts... Red [This message has been edited by Red Letter (edited 07-20-99).] |
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