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Yearning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Yearning |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This was a challenge given to me by Isis. She challenged me to write free verse which I have never written before. I would like to know how I did. Yearning Oh, my soul aches. My heart cries. To need something Just to breath To feel your touch Kiss your lips I am lost. Find me in this fog. Take me away Throw away these ties. Take me Where the moon never sleeps. Where hearts reign. Touch me Feel me Love me. [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-01-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello there young lady ma'am. Here's my humble opinion of your first free verse poem. Any smart ass remarks I make aren't meant to be malicious....in fact I hope you can chuckle about them....kinda makes critiquing a little easier for me....it's not always a fun task telling someone honestly how you feel....so I'll try and keep it light....I hope you don't mind....like I said, please don't take offense....just trying to get my point across with a little smart ass humor  "Oh, my soul aches. My heart cries." This phrase has been whipped to death in my opinion, please let it sleep for another hundred years until it becomes original again. "To need something" Too much of a non-descriptive and unnecessary line....we find out you need something on our own by the following lines. "Just to breath"--do you mean breathe? Breath what and why? Why is it just to breathe if you really want the other stuff....you say just to breathe yet you go on about a lot of other stuff. "To feel your touch" What does his touch feel like....perhaps like ice cream or like a koala bear's turd???? The reader doesn't know....try to inform them. Consider elaborating more on the idea. "Kiss your lips" What do his lips feel like? What do they look like? Why should I care that you want to kiss his lips if we, the reader, don't know what the experience is like??? "I am lost." That makes two of us .....why are you lost and where are you lost????I can't find ya if I don't know where you are....you can't take the reader with you if they don't know why and where???"Find me in this fog." Pretend you are a poet j/k and I am an alien (that part is not too much of a stretch , and I ask you "What is fog?" and after you describe it poetically,(sp? I'm an awful speler then go back and insert your new description into this poem"Take me away" Are you a "Calgon" girl? Where did you want to go? Why do you want to go? "Throw away these ties." Please don't, ties are expensive these days. What kind of ties are they? What do they look like ? "Take me Where the moon never sleeps. Where hearts reign." O.k. I take back the comment of where do you want to go Lines are pretty "dry" stuff though. Sounds overdone, "hokey" and cliched. Put some thunder in your punches....perhaps you should go rent the Rocky series this weekend and get yourself the "Eye of the Tiger" "Touch me Feel me Love me." How do you want this person to touch you? Do you want him to poke you in the eye, or do you want him to slap your ass, or do you want him to lick you up and down??? We the reader, formally request to be filled in on the details "Feel me" is another non-descriptive phrase and "Love me" is ok but haven't I heard that somewhere before?The poem wasn't all that bad and a valiant effort for your first free verse poem. I knew what you were trying to say but you didn't take me there, you didn't make the reader feel a part of your journey, you didn't make them be who you were just for a brief moment and I think that is essential to good writing. Free verse is a good form to get into because it doesn't limit the poet, so with that in mind, let yourself run free. Go naked through town square, singing "yankee doodle dandy" while eating blocks of provolone cheese. ANyways thanks for the read. I hope you take my comments with a grain of salt, I'm only trying to inspire you to think about your writing as you have inspired me to think about writing in general. Take Care, Trevor |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Trevor...Thanks for your words and I didn't take them wrong. I will take your words and try a rewrite. I will post it and please read and tell me if I took you there. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I read your Q and A post. I liked your honestly and the fact that you were so open about yourself. So I'll do the same. You'll have to find your own answers for what is right for you, when it comes to writting or you'll never find your own voice and style. Write about other people, other things, but not yourself. Most start writting writting about themselves. I did. Did it for twenty years. What a waste. It's okay. Try other ways. Second person, third person, even first person, but be someone else. It has so much more rewards in the long run. Do what feels right. Even if it's writting about yourself. Don't lose sight to other ways of writting. Read what I've posted and you'll see what am talking about. |
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