Critical Analysis #1 |
talk |
punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
this is pretty much any conversation involving three or more people in liz's bedroom, not about sex at least. she says she scares herself but you never believed too tangled in quilts and love not believing anyway but you still listen to the chattering and howls just watching the faces blade on skin, blood on face you never believed Did You? and the darkness was your companion when the black was the darkness and the children were always scribling where you had your perfect lines and your good dreams wear no clothes and every time she strikes to the core of your being but you never believed and all the caring in the world can't bring us back now but we never care and you never believed and everything runs away ~Me |
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© Copyright 2002 Hilda MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved | |||
Bec Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 475Canberra |
punksmurf... This is the first critical response I've ever made, so it looks like we're both pretty new at this. I've made a few little suggestions, but this is your work, and you take on board what you want to, they're only suggestions. she says she scares herself but you never believed too tangled in quilts and love (to believe her) anyway ... blade on skin, blood on face you never believed Did You? (do these need capitals?) *and* the darkness was your companion when the black was the darkness *and* the children were always scribling where you had your perfect lines *and* your good dreams wear no clothes *and* every time she strikes to the core of your being but you never believed *and* all the caring in the world can't bring us back now but we never care *and* you never believed *and* everything runs away All the "and" at the beginning of some of the lines were a little off-putting. But I see and understand what you're trying to say. The first stanza was great. A nice piece. Bec "Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you." -Winnie-the-Pooh [This message has been edited by Bec (01-08-2002 07:57 PM).] |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
thanks bec, for being new you're pretty good, thanks for the help, this piece still kinda plays with my head, and i know i use 'and' too much, i try, good luck |
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