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Critical Analysis #1
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Blind Me (repost from Dark 3)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Blind Me (repost from Dark 3) |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. 
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Blind Me Starting from the center of my chest Spreading outward Consuming my flesh Leaving the outward shell intact So that no one may discern the cavity within One by one the organs deflate Like raisins left in the oven over long Muscles wither Until nothing is left but steak Very, very well done Leave me in the desert long enough The vultures will feast But not this desert Here I have no tears Though my eyes still work too well Blind me, set me free Let me never see again This desert of your indifference As I watch, across the room His lips upon yours This received absolutely no response in Dark 3. So, I'm wondering if that was a fluke or if this really sucks. You be the judge. Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen |
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| © Copyright 2002 Darren Lausa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
I can't do any critiquing for you Ian, but I don't see this as being dark at all..I see it as a very sad poem. the woman has gone to another and the writer is so sad, hurt, lonely. It is a great poem. I am sure you will get responses here. floria |
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EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
Some dark, compelling images in here, but I think you could tighten up the language a bit (i.e., do you really need two "outward"s in the first stanza? Can you get across the same point by dropping the second one?) to really make it solid. It's late and I need to sleep, but hopefully I'll have a fuller critique for you in the next few days  |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Ellen, When one is very close to something, one tends not to see things (forest and tree syndrome, don't you know?). I had never noticed that I had two 'outward's in that first stanza. Thank you for being my eyes. I think, however, that I should rework the second line. Where else would something spread from the center but outward. Now that you mention it, I think the first one is redundant. I look forward to more of your insight. Ian Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Ian,I like it, and have felt it. I think Dark does not have that many readers anymore. Send us more over here, I would love to read them. Sandra |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Ian, I thought I was in Open, (I'm tired LOL). I never come in critical, cause I can't critique at all.I understood and felt your poem, thats all that matters to me. Sandra |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Hey Cat! I haven't posted in Dark much lately either. I like Critique tho, it does help me with my writing. Open moves too fast for me, too many posts. But I may stop in and check things out sometime. Just to see you! hehehe See you soon, Ian The noblest battles are always fought in vain |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Blind Me Starting from the center of my chest Spreading like furnace breath Consuming my flesh Leaving the outward shell intact So that no one may discern the cavity within One by one the organs deflate Like raisins left in the oven over long Muscles wither Until nothing is left but steak Very, very well done Leave me in the desert long enough The vultures will feast But not this wasteland Here I have no tears Though my eyes still work too well Blind me, set me free Let me never see again This desert of your indifference As I watch, across the room His lips upon yours Well, here is the first revision. What do you think? The noblest battles are always fought in vain |
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