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strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

0 posted 2002-01-05 02:41 PM

I would welcome critique of this. thanks floria

Castle of Glass

She stands at the window of her castle of glass,
And views the wonders of the meadows so sweet.
She, a young and beautiful lass.
In a glass castle she can't be discreet.

Her Knight now peers through her walls of glass.
Yet neither does she care to hide.
For wither he comes or wither he goes,
He will always remain outside.

He trusted and loved her with all of his heart,
Yet she with another was smitten.
Breaking his heart and scorching his soul,
As he read the cold letter she'd written.

Now all alone in her castle of glass,
Exposed to the world is she.
Waiting perhaps for a brave night to come,
And rescue her, setting her free.

Floria

[This message has been edited by strbbux (01-05-2002 02:43 PM).]

wolf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-04

Posts 10
Hamilton (Steeltown)

1 posted 2002-01-05 09:22 PM

Hi Floria.
After reading and re-reading this poem I found that the first stanza does not flow as well as the other 3.
Its the second line of the first stanza that is the problem.
If you omit;

"wonders of the"

from the second line the whole poem flows smoothly.
The only other point that troubles me is the repeated use of the word "glass".
Perhaps you could find other words to describe glass but I have no suggestions as to what else to use.

wolf

it's the soul afraid of dying , that never learns to live.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2002-01-05 10:23 PM

You're playing with some pretty traditional images here and taking them in different directions. I like that, but you might want to make the rhythm a bit more traditional emphasize that contrast. Another contrast might be my own recent poem where I was trying to do something quite different in a new form. Most of the complaints, here and at other sites, deal with how far away I get from the form itself. I think that kind of straining is necessary but you can go too far.

Here's a quick summary of the first line:

She STANDS at the WINDOW of her CAStle of GLASS,

--Why 'the' if the whole castle is glass?

--The 'of' repetition bothers me here, it strains the power of repetition. The 'window in the middle also strains the rhythm. It slows down that first anapest, 'at the win' but 'dow of her' messes with the whole rhythm. I find I can't read it as anything but a dactyl, 'DOW of her' which trips me up because I want to hear that 'dow' in relation to window and not that foot. Naturally, I want to stress that first 'of' but that isn't what I do when I read it out loud.

--If any of that makes sense, I think you've got to make this one more iambic from the very start.

--Enough rhythm talk, I'll try to address other points in the rest:

And views the wonders of the meadows so sweet.

--so sweet seems artificial to me.

She, a young and beautiful lass.
In a glass castle she can't be discreet.

--I don't see the relationship here except in terms of the rhyme. It's explained later, I suppose, but don't forget rhyme works with you're meaning/syntax, it doesn't create it.

Her Knight now peers through her walls of glass.

--Capital on knight? 'Her knight' is an interesting use of possessiveness given the rest of the poem. I think you can expand this image though, give the knight more eagerness perhaps.

Yet neither does she care to hide.

--With hide here, you have a great rhyming verb for what you want to say side, ride, bide, abide, guide, tried, etc. I think you're missing an opportunity in not exploring that.

For wither he comes or wither he goes,

--Neither/nor

He will always remain outside.

He trusted and loved her with all of his heart,
Yet she with another was smitten.
Breaking his heart and scorching his soul,
As he read the cold letter she'd written.

--Why not give us the letter and use a different form. Since the knight is the one being hurt, let's get more of the feeling he feels. Let's react the way he reacts.

Now all alone in her castle of glass,
Exposed to the world is she.

--Try to avoid this kind of inversion. I suppose it's okay given the archaism you're using but it still struck me as off.

Waiting perhaps for a brave night to come,

--I like the play on night/knight. Uh, do you read Marvel comics? Know anything about Death (not Brad Pitt, but a beautiful woman who is loved by the evil Thanos) -- be great if you kept working on that and it would also explain why she is in a castle of glass, her love for another 'night', and her disdain for the knight. Just an idea,

And rescue her, setting her free

--Okay.

--I've said a lot here and can't touch on everything but, honestly, I think this has a lot of potential, I like the reversals between the knight and the 'lass', and I like the ambiguity at the end. Definitely a lot you can do with this one.

Thanks,
Brad

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

3 posted 2002-01-05 10:29 PM

Yes I agree wolf, you are right on the money.. Now I also thought the word glass was overused. but I was stumped.. thought maybe someone here would know another word. thanks a lot for your input. floria

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

4 posted 2002-01-05 10:37 PM

Ahhhh, how clever of you....never saw that. Why would there even be a window. WOW, never saw that...lol,, I also didnt like too sweet.. thanks, I am sure I could find another word here.Now are you saying that I should replace "wither he goes or wither he stays" with neither , nor. Is that what you mean.? Hmmm no I dont read the comics..sorry.Well you have given me homework to do.....hope I can pull it off. I agree, I like the ideas here ( i do that all the time, come up with something I love and then can't pull it off) I do thank you so very much.. Now a little hint from me.. LOL,, the night thing was a typo.. I had meant to put Knight in there at the end. but you have given me an idea, on leaving it as night.....Thank you kind sir Brad.....I do appreciate the time you spent on this, and If I can pull it off, I shall Knight you, floria

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

5 posted 2002-01-05 11:18 PM

Ok Wolf and Brad, I took your advice and this is what I come up with.. But...hahaha. I will still take all your critiques.. whatever doesnt fit please let me know..thanks. floria

Castle of Glass

She gazes through her walls of glass,
And views the meadows and valleys retreat.
She, a young and beautiful lass.
In a crystal castle she can't be discreet.

Her Knight now peers through her transparent walls.
Yet neither does she care to hide.
For wither he comes or wither he goes,
Never will she be his bride.

He trusted and loved her with all of his heart,
Yet she with another was smitten.
Breaking his heart and scorching his soul,
As he read the cold letter she'd written.

Shattered and sorrowed he wept.
For he loved her with all his heart.
His dream to be with her always.
Not conceiving they would ever apart.

Now all alone in her castle of glass,
Exposed, for the world to see.
Waiting perhaps for a brave night to come,
And rescue her, setting her free.

Floria

[This message has been edited by strbbux (01-05-2002 11:19 PM).]

Shou-Lao
Junior Member

since 2001-10-12

Posts 48

6 posted 2002-01-06 12:38 PM

I'm with Brad on the 'Wither' line.

I'm a little short on time for a full reply right now but I will get back to you ASAP.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

7 posted 2002-01-06 09:36 AM

Shou Lao,,how are you? Hope you are better my friend...thanks and I will talk to you when you have more time..I dont quite know how to fix the wither thing. It just came out of me, thanks for replying, later, floria

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

8 posted 2002-01-06 10:58 AM

What do you think of these word changes and I took the "now" out of the first line in this stanza..??? floria

Her Knight peers through her transparent walls.
Yet neither does she care to hide.
It matters not, his opinion of her,
For never will she be his bride.

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

9 posted 2002-01-06 11:17 PM

Her Knight peers through her transparent walls.
Yet neither does she care to hide.
It matters not, his opinion of her,
For never will she be his bride.

Hmm well the only line that doesn't sound right to me is "It matters not, his opinion of her...it would sound betetr if you had a word to rhyme with walls..such as

Her knight peers through her transparent walls
Yet neither does she care to hide
She then realizes she lost it all
For never will she be his bride

just my two cents, : :

woodtic
Member

since 2002-01-06

Posts 87

10 posted 2002-01-06 11:27 PM

with out much education i humbly wonder if this is what you meant?

She gazes through these walls of glass,
to view the vales and hills retreat.
So yound and beautiful, alass,
in crystal she can't be descreet.

Her would be knight, his withered stare,
a weaklings' grip on cold affections.
His passind, for her, holds no care.
For she's the lady and weds at her discretion.

In vain he trusted with all his heart,
though she with another was smitten.
Broken and burnt from her flaming dart,
Blood cold as the letter she'd written.

Shattered, in tears, he fell to the earth.
In loving her he thought she would fall.
Foolish young sire, lifes' icy mirth,
brings ruin to us one and all.

Now all alone in the palace of glass,
clear for the world to see.
she waits for another, with a heart for the task.
To break in and set her free.

or somthing like that?

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

11 posted 2002-01-07 09:01 AM

Rose Petal. I love this poem. the title and the sentiment and I am so stuck on it. I know what I want but I cant get there. Thank you so much for your input. I print it all out and sit and study . floria

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

12 posted 2002-01-07 09:03 AM

woodtic, your input means a lot to me. I am getting close to what I want witht this one with all the help I am getting on this board. I do thank you sincerely for the time you put into this, I will print it out with all the others and study it. It does sound nice what you have done. I will try to rewrite this, thank you so much. floria

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