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lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

0 posted 2001-12-27 11:46 PM

Aright, aright, i'll skip the ones w/even disguised profanity. you're no fun. just kidding, please don't decree this post banned, too. grrrr. censorship. don't approve of it or agree w/it. on to the post:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something in my mind has slowed
down till the traffic is confusing.
Twisting my hair around the wind.
If I went crazy I wouldn't miss you.
    I don't miss you now.
That's mine, you.
                 can't take it.
What's mine?
            It's yours.
Everything was.
We were Your Girls.
But now we're oUr gIrls.
And you can go kiss a llama.
Not that we'd care.
You lived your life on our own,
but you're done now.
I'd pull out your    if I could.
                 hair
And if I went crazy,
      you know I wouldn't miss you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
disclaimer: i would not actually rip this person's hair out, it is a -metaphor-. (well, maybe i would......)

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

1 posted 2001-12-28 12:23 PM

haha, i love you, i love your poems! it's nice to have some stuff like this, i get tired of the same old stuff, but that's me...i'm with you on the censorship, i like the f word but that's not allowed and then there are those that insist it detratcs from the poem...i disagree...um the obsession with the llama is a bit confusing, why a llama? interestign imagery here, yer hair twisting around the wind...i'mgetting the image of this is to a father figure, i like how hair is actually pulled out fo the sentence, that's cool... i can't rip it up, i dig it.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

2 posted 2001-12-28 07:55 PM

thanks, the llama thing is a *joke* w/in my social group. it draws back to a suprisingly good disney movie (and trust me, i HATE disney), the emperor's new groove. we call the subject of the poem a llama in everyday speach. he in odd ways does bear a resemblance to one. the term has come to be an insult when issued f/my lips, however, as he's turned out to be a very *disreputable* (translation: ass) boy. in some ways i suppose he is a father figure to me, but i hadn't realized this until your response.
the first typing of this poem was pulled, and then the second; so i suppose i've become sarcastic towards the administrators. oops. the censorship is quite hard to work around, as my writing is stream of consciousness; and i think in many colorful, varied expletives.
thank you much for your wonderful response, i'm not sure i've ever been called refreshing before!

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

3 posted 2002-01-01 06:41 PM

he should go kiss a llama! and i love that as he's driving you crazy you don't miss him, because you've got thr wind, and the confusing traffic to keep you busy.
now, where'd i put that spork?

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-01-02 11:47 AM

See, the thing about the censorship is this- by joining this site, you agree to the rules. Just don't post poems with profanity in them- by posting everything you write... you leave too much out there for everyone to comment on anyway... so maybe choose some of your more "family-appropriate" poems.... believe me, I have some trouble with it sometimes, too... but in the end, complaining about the rules doesn't really get you anywhere. They aren't going to change.

Now, about the poem.

First five lines are excellent. Great imagery.

'That's mine, you.
can't take it.
What's mine?
It's yours.
Everything was.'

I really don't understand this part. You're being too vague, and the back and forth questions just make the poem itself kind of vaporous and hard to grasp.

'We were Your Girls.
But now we're oUr gIrls.'

Personally, I think the capitalization of your girls puts too much emphasis on the words. Also, I really don't understand the U and I being capitalized in our girls? It's distracting.

Now, the bit about the llama... doesn't really make much sense to the reader if the reader is outside your social group. If you want this poem to serve as an inside joke or whatever, that's fine... but if you want other people to understand, you should probably explain that part better, or just omit it.

The last five lines are also really good, I like the placement of hair and the reinforcement of the earlier idea.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

[This message has been edited by hush (01-02-2002 11:47 AM).]

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

5 posted 2002-01-03 09:51 AM

llama works as a little visual on the person. cuz he definately resembles one.

the back and forth questions are a mental process. i wrote that it's mine, you can't take it, but then my mind raised questions and drew a conclusion, and i merely recorded. it wasn't a vaugery attempt.

and i'm not sure i can even address the censorship. i've taken it up w/moderators, i am aware i'm beating my head on a wall; but i need to. i understand it's a family site. i appreciate this. but [profanity deleted] to a small child or a whole family. another word is easily substituted. i have no desire to further discuss the topic. but thank you for your input.

i value your reactions. and i appreciate your commentary.
the capitalization, oUr gIrls is something that is repeated in later poems on similar topics. it's a differentiation f/Your Girls. and it should be capitalized, in that we are a group, and it's a title. believe me.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (01-04-2002 02:27 PM).]

C?
Member

since 2001-12-29

Posts 190

6 posted 2002-01-04 01:30 PM

have I mentioned yet that I really like your style!!???
favourite lines in the poem:
"Something in my mind has slowed
down till the traffic is confusing."

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