»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Burden of the Red Stilettos
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Burden of the Red Stilettos |
|
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Your whispers are weightless near the pillow where my head rests light like helium they drift to the ceiling unheard I need sleep but feel guilty from your insistent stalking breath wrestling with my eyelashes forcing me to wake Still I am unresponsive to the need in your fingers my skin hardens like pottery when you mold it towards you I could purposely avoid all voluntary movement feign sleep for the hours you'll torment me coherent Or use my recent surgery as a reason to say no filleted and gutted a cold glossy sea bass But I acquiesce because catatonic consent is universally accepted as an effortless encounter Put on red stilettos you whisper with a black mini skirt I guess it's not good for you without my personal burka And while pinching my sleepy foot into a pointy cramped high heel I think about my country and the freedoms I have [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-15-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this is absolutely wonderful.... maybe the only thing I would suggest is a little hinting about why she feels she must listen to him.... I mean, besides the general male domination theme and his persistence, a reason why she thinks this is her only option? Why she can't just up and leave it all? I don't know, I think you could make your statement even more powerful if you added some more specifics. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hush I can't get the flow of this to sound as I would like it. It seems choppy in some places, but I've been staring at it for too many hours can you give me some hints. Thanks. I always look forward to your critique because I know it will be detailed and helpful. Jeen |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I liked this as well. 'torment me coherent' seems a little strained and while I think a number of moves here are quite well done (nice integration), you might look at W.C. Williams and/or even Bukowski (a strange one to mention in this context but he's good at this type of conversational approach) for ways of making it run more smoothly. Brad |
||
|
The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
this is fabulous. Punctuation and you have a real keeper. -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I, too, think this is a great piece...one from which most women, and some men, can easily glean the meaning and the intention. Some great lines here...nice work, Jeen. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I loved your imagery here, Jeen. "filleted and gutted a cold glossy sea bass" Very vivid, indeed! and also the message you convey with these lines. "And while pinching my sleepy foot into a pointy cramped high heel I think about my country and the freedoms I have" I think this is as good as it gets! Great job!  copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
||
|
strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
"But I acquiesce because catatonic consent is universally accepted as an effortless encounter" Great lines here Jeen, I really liked this, the story line I thought was very sensitive. Good write, floria |
||
|
Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Punctuation marks are missing. With that being said, the only changes that I would make would be strictly personal. An excellent write, indeed. |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Thank you for the continued support. It has been some time since I have written and the distancewill give m fresh perspective. Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year Jeen I |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
