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Natures Law
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Natures Law |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa 
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This is a repost from open I did a while ago, I'm still not happy with it, guess I'm just looking for a fresh perspective, grateful for any suggestions. Natures Law Slumped in the singles bar, my favourite hyde of anonymity, I surveyed the marble serenghetti, the herd of hearts grazing before me. Humming birds flitting from frying pan to fire, bewildered wilderbeast, drowning in cocktailed waterholes, and versace clad vultures, preening and posturing, twenty two carat talons, perched high on chrome pedestals, looking for prey. Intrigue, one lone predator breaks, wheels around the room, eyes bourbon bright, prey spotted, injured from neglect, bleeding from lost love, dying for affection. In a flurry of gold cards and silk, the strike, predator and prey gone, half an hour later, a flapping of cell phones, the rest, licentiously picking over the bones of machismo. Olias. © Copyright 2001 OLIAS - All Rights Reserved |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mick Yates - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello This poem reminds of a poem that I wrote years ago. The similiarities are scary. I will have to look for it and e-mail it to you. Great read. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Dear OLIAS, Okay. I like this. I don't know enough about desert dwellers to critique it much. I liked all the images you presented except the hummingbirds flitting from frying pan to fire. I think you should try to find something more hummingbirdy for them to flit to. I'll give it some thought, and if I think of something worthy of the rest of the poem, I'll get back to you. Don't hold your breath though-it would take something special to do justice to the rest of it. Nan |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Tony Di Bart, I would be very interested to read your poem if you can find it, Thank you for your reply. Pilgrimage, I think your right about the hummingbird line, It is out of character with the rest of the piece, I will work on it, Thank you for your valuable input and taking the time to read. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you both the holidays have been getting on top of me. Regards and Thank you to you both. Olias. |
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