All I ever knew of love (was in the drawer full of drugs)

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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2001-11-13 11:00 PM

Her morning breath
is soiled hospital linens.
Fingertips are gauze.
I cup her cheeks with my eyes
but only see the flaws.

And a drawer full of medication
can’t pill away the ills
of dependence loneliness and melancholy.
A hundred empty bottles,
a million unpaid bills,
looming credit debt second mortgage
and she’s stealing from my future-
She can’t survive without the frills.

Yeah, we’ve got cable TV and two cars-
I sleep in a warm waterbed
and listen to my favorite songs
real loud on my gadgety stereo.
We buy name brand food
and new appliances
and all the drugs she could ever want
to barely survive on.

Spiders lay eggs in the corners of her mouth.
Her sallow lips are hard.
Belly soft and unremitting lard
too big to suck in
too sore to hide away
her back can’t bear the terrible pressure
her body can’t hide her soul’s composure.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Pell
Member

since 2001-09-16

Posts 134
Pacific NW

1 posted 2001-11-23 08:06 PM

Hi there hush

In my limited experience and wisdom, I`ll try to give you my take on this piece.

First of all, I really like the descriptions in the first part;

"Her morning breath
is soiled hospital linens.
Fingertips are gauze.
I cup her cheeks with my eyes
but only see the flaws."

and in this line;

"Spiders lay eggs in the corners of her mouth."
They evoked a disconcerting, uncomfortable feeling in me, as I think is intended in this case.

The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs(term?) seem slightly stuffed between the first and last ones style-wise, kind of like a tuna and peanut butter sandwich

I like tuna and peanut butter on their own, but my taste buds would stumble over such a combination, as did my attention. A transition issue maybe.

mm...all I can come up with at the moment, I did enjoy the read in any case.

good luck!

[This message has been edited by Pell (edited 11-23-2001).]

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

2 posted 2001-12-10 09:51 PM

Hello

I loved the ideas in this peice. Great opening but as soon as I hit "of dependence loneliness and melancholy." I started to slip away.

I think if you reworked and tweeked just a little this one would floor me.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-12-11 05:41 PM

Hi Hush,

I too was taken in by the beginning. It gave overall a too depressing image. I know that can be as important as any other poetic message but just not my favorite. I didn't like the spiders laying eggs line. It was catchy and colorful but just a little over the top, so to speak. I felt like it was an important piece but maybe should be toned down a bit. Of course, it might lose its impact and become just another poem then.

Thanks,
Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2001-12-15 01:05 AM

Maybe I should explain the bit about the spider eggs? I wanted to give a repelling description of the white gunky buildup that forms in the corners of a person's mouth when it's dry or cottony... maybe if I removed the spider's actual laying and just described a spider's nest as being there, it would be a little clearer or less over the top? I'm not sure.

"we are all citizens of the womb before we subdivide
into shades and sexes- this side, that side" -Ani DiFranco

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

5 posted 2001-12-15 07:18 PM

I read this poem shortly after you posted it...thinking it most impressive. I suspected the spider egg was a reference to what you then clarified, though it may not be clear to some. You have described this scenario remarkably well.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

6 posted 2001-12-19 01:09 PM

I happen to like expressive poetry and I see the sadness in this piece.. well done. strbbux

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

7 posted 2001-12-19 11:51 PM

Hi Hush
The beginning is perfect. this is a vivid and expressive poem. Middle isa good - keeps the reader wanting to read on. But I think you need to revist the ending.
Best wishes
Asif (Englishpoet)

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

8 posted 2001-12-19 11:54 PM

Hi

Just had a thought how you could end this poem.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is what I come to feel"

What do you think?

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

9 posted 2001-12-20 08:35 PM

hi hush! how ya been,long time no see, as always i love yer poetry...i really dig the social commentary entailed in this poem, makes me remember why i'm a poet,i really like how the second stanza is different than the first ...it kinda has a stream of consciousness kinda feel to it and i dig that...hmmm, it's cool, vivid imagery too.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin

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