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Critical Analysis #1

Meant to Be

Apachecat906
Member

since 2001-09-04

Posts 217
Michigan, USA

0 posted 2001-11-13 04:48 PM

They say everything is meant to be--
If this is true, why can't I see
the reasons for this complexity?
You smile at her instead of me,
you hold her body while you sleep.
I know I hurt you selfishly;
I smashed your dreams so carelessly,
And I should suffer consequently.
But can't you tell I'm so sorry
And need your arms to comfort me.
Please forgive my sin, for he
meant only infidelity.
This time I offer love for free
I've fallen down, I'm on my knees.
I just can't make my heart believe
her arms should hold your destiny.
You showed me love so patiently
and now I'll wait eternally.
My soul is yours so faithfully,
I have hope in meant to be.

Okay--I know this is isn't great, I wrote it on emotion and did some editing but not great editing. I guess I'm not sure how to make my personal drama into a good poem so any comments would be appreciated.

Go ahead, push your luck; find out how much love the world can hold

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-11-13 11:05 PM

Eeeeee.... well... the long e sound really grated on me... I think that you have some pretty good groupings that should stand alone, not in a list of rhyme, because it quickly becomes overkill.

'Please forgive my sin, for he
meant only infidelity.'

Is one example; I like the enjambment her, the rhyme flows very naturally.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Apachecat906
Member

since 2001-09-04

Posts 217
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2001-11-14 08:58 AM

Thanks, hush.

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