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Quiet Tears
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Quiet Tears |
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CherryBlossom Junior Member
since 2001-10-13
Posts 14Communicate! |
The dark embrace of the Night wraps my body As the cold caress of the Breeze soothes my angered soul And the rustling leaves of the nearby trees send whispers to my ears Do not fear... do not fear... Sadness never remains... Anger vanishes within time itself... Words that dissipate in the wind But stay true in my heart I repeat them I savor them I adorn them with my endless quiet tears In humble appreciation... ___________ (I don't like giving titles to my poems... *sigh* I'm not good at that... and I had a hard time figuring out one that fits this poem in particular... and I still don't like it... :P) [This message has been edited by CherryBlossom (edited 10-13-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 CherryBlossom - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think you have some potential with this but if you branched out more, hit more tangents, got more specific with what you are trying to say it would work better and have a more definite impact on the reader. Do some more exploring and expand on these ideas, as is it's a bit too vague. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Dark embrace... cold caress. They're fine but if you are going to capitalize Night and Breeze then perhaps you might consider dropping the article... The dark embrace of Night wraps my body... You go on to say that such-and-such soothes your angered soul - do you have a soul or are you one? If sadness does not remain then why are your tears endless? Perhaps the ideal and the real are at odds but it is not clear where you want the reader to go with this. I agree that titles can be a chore at times - it is often easier to refer to the poem by it's first line or by the first few words... The dark embrace... Kevin |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi CherryBlossom, I seemed to have missed this one the first time around. Thanks Kevin, for bringing it back up. I see that this is your first post in the CA forum and I wanted to welcome you to the group. I think Hush and Kevin have both given good advice. On first reading, I didn't relate but after giving it more thought as it deserves, I agree that there is potential but I would like just a bit more information. I get the feeling it refers to something more specific and perhaps would like some hint as to what it was. Check you email for a message. Pete |
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
This is loaded down with modifiers, prepositional phrases and cliches and says nothing at all! I would first know what thought you are trying to get across and then follow it through, less wordy, more specific, in day to day language. Good luck! -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- |
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CherryBlossom Junior Member
since 2001-10-13
Posts 14Communicate! |
Ah, great advice. Finally, people who are not afraid to tell it as it is.  Ok, when I wrote this I was going thru' an awful depression, I didn't feel like writing all I felt, that's why it's lacking. Now that I'm feeling better I'll work on it and take the advice you have given me.  Arigatou!! |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I love the way you use the words in this poem, Cherryblossom... especially the internal rhyme here "And the rustling leaves of the nearby trees send whispers to my ears" but the poem as a whole seems a bit disjunctive...as if you were discussing several topics at one time. Try to center your work on one theme. I think you are off to a good start with this one, though. With a bit of tweaking, it could become excellent.  copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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