Doing Laundry (Critique) - pipTalk Forums

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Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

0 posted 2001-09-21 05:53 PM

While I have posted in other forums and have certainly enjoyed the kind words, there was only one critique (and a good, honest one, too). I would like to improve in how I write and am posting a few here for impressions, corrections, directions to go. Thank you.

Doing Laundry

Saturday afternoon,
feeling all filthy,
we twirled and spun
getting quite drenched,
then tumbled and rolled
around in our heat.
Afterwards, dried and beat,
we folded neatly into each other.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

1 posted 2001-09-21 08:28 PM

Hi topeth.  I really enjoyed this poem.  However, as soon as I read the third line, I figured out what was really going on.  I think the poem would be even more effective if somehow you managed to keep your true intentions a secret until nearer the end of the poem.  That way, the reader will be more surprised.  If you choose to do it, you might have to really restructure your poem, but I think it could be worth it.

On a more specific note, I don't like the word "quite" in line four.  I think it is a bit to formal to fit with the rest of the language in the poem.  Maybe something else would work better.

Well, that's all I have for now.  Thanks for posting, and I hope this helped a little.

Ryan

Sigur Ros

Topheth
Member

since 2001-09-08

Posts 297
Texas

2 posted 2001-09-21 09:01 PM

Thank you, Ryan. I'll put this on the burner and see if I can't cook something better up. I really appreciate it.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-09-23 02:29 PM

I really like this... but I would get rid of 'quite'... like Ryan said, it's too formal.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2001-09-24 11:43 AM

Very interesting and unusual subject. I enjoyed. I also agree about quite sounding too formal.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2001-09-28 11:33 PM

Enjoyed this a lot...don't want to sound redundant, but I, too, think that the word "quite" should be left out.

I especially liked the last line...

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2001-10-02 02:12 AM

This is cute but not much more.

Saturday afternoon,
Dirty and wet,
we twirled and spun,
then tumbled and rolled
To dry in heat.

Clean as if beat,
We lay on the floor
Folding each other.

Okay, that is CERTAINLY not an improvement, but can you see a little more rhythm?

Just a suggestion,
Brad

Ven
Member

since 2001-10-01

Posts 102
U.K.

7 posted 2001-10-02 02:39 AM

Liked this very much, very original subject matter. Agree with others on dropping the word "quite" but this aside its really very good.

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

8 posted 2001-10-07 10:02 PM

In my opinion I would just leave out the second line.. and let us figure it out..

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