navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » glare
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic glare Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2001-09-02 07:30 PM


Your glare was concrete
and I could smell it,
dusty, grey and impatient
like the musty smell of unused car heat.
“Don’t be so stupid” it snapped
with makeup model teeth
that looked like fluoride and bleach
as they gnashed a savage course
from your eyes to mine.
Hovered and gritted in front of my face
until there were flesh and grapefruit lips
that greased my mouth-
I kept my gaze on you-
I’m always doing stupid things like that.

Your hands danced wind and rain,
slipped like new soap on my thigh
encouraging my hard-on foot
and fingers’ anxious twirl.
This sex is held in isolation-
tunnel sight and fogging windows.
my lead heel drives the grinding machine,
sweaty palms guide me into absent rapture.

Your stare is wet cement,
fingers peeling limply away in a puddle
a few inches beyond the muddle
of airbag windshield blood and scattered teeth.
Crimson glints on oil slicked streets
frantic boots scuffle up-
when I look back your eyes are gone.


-----

I am thinking I need to elaborate in the second stanza on the isolation, but I wasn't sure how exactly to go about it without going into overkill- or maybe I'm already there and need to tone it down? I'm really not sure, I was going for something ambiguous, veiled innuendos, and I would really like to know if it works or not, because it's not something I do very often and I'm a bit unsure if I should... lol.


I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

[This message has been edited by hush (edited 09-02-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
1 posted 2001-09-04 10:06 PM


Hey Hush

Let me start by saying that you have some amazing imagery in this peice some of my favorites are

1.                Your glare was concrete
                   and I could smell it,
                   dusty, grey and impatient
                   like the musty smell of unused car heat.

2.                until there were flesh and grapefruit lips
                   that greased my mouth-

3.                This sex is held in isolation-
                   tunnel sight and fogging windows

4.                Your stare is wet cement,

The rest of the poem seem choppy in a non cohesive ways.  I find that images from line to line have no flow.  I think that if you worked on the flow of images and choice of word in sucessive lines you could have a very strong peice.  Having said that I was really impressed with the above images. Oh I might remove the word musty it;'s to close to dusty. I think it read just as good without musty.  

Thanks

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
2 posted 2001-09-04 11:06 PM


i'll be back.... tired tonight... for now let me say that this is a fine piece of poetry with many great lines.... very well done....

i have more comments... just can't do them and you justice at the moment since the screen is glaring at me and i'm lost in it

tomorrow...

a wonderful piece of work here

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2001-09-05 09:55 AM


Hi Hush,

For some reason I can't seem to really get into this one to any depth. I do get an overall impression though. As others have said, you have many quite interesting and uncommon lines and images. But somehow they don't really feel right together. I believe Tony said "non-cohesive" and that is the feel I get also. Perhaps you just put too much into it. Sorry but that seems to be the best I can come up with today.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2001-09-05 12:39 PM


Hush,

You do have some really great lines here, and a novel concept...at least the way you wrote it was novel.

"my lead heel drives the grinding machine,
sweaty palms guide me into absent rapture"

"of airbag windshield blood and scattered teeth"

A strange, yet effective metaphor. Nice work, hush.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu


[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 09-06-2001).]

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
5 posted 2001-09-06 05:40 PM


all of the imagery is fresh, creative, and effective...

bravo

rich-pa
Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana
6 posted 2001-09-07 01:08 PM


i haven't the time to provide a thorough commentary due to other pressing issues but i would liek to say that i absolutely loved the imagery that you used and that all in all i rather enjoyed the poem.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -janis joplin

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

7 posted 2001-10-05 08:37 AM


Hush

Let me take a leap here...I read this poem and felt that two people were in a car paying more attention to each other sexually than driving, with the last verse being an accident with one of them gone.

If that is what you were conveying a little more detail to lead in that direction would
would be helpful.  

I do not like to read poetry that leads me directly to a plausible ending, which is why I enjoy reading your poetry.  

Just a little buffing, would make this a great piece.

Jeen

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
8 posted 2001-10-07 09:37 PM


'encouraging my hard-on foot
and fingers’ anxious twirl.
This sex is held in isolation-'

Jeen- I was intending to create the idea of a woman driving, thinking about a lover and masturbating while she drove.... end result being the accident and the fantasy shattered.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » glare

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary