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inner truth
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inner truth |
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little_krazy_poet Junior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 41 |
The glass is shattering A man stands unable to stop it He is unable to save the disfigured person within the glass The glass is tumbling now as if it were an avalanche falling from the highest mountain top Alas he realizes the glass isn’t outside him, but within The glass is a symbol of what may become Making him realize that unless he changes his ways his life will surely shatter WRITE WHAT YOU FEEL!! AND DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU TO DO OTHERWISE |
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| © Copyright 2001 Matt B... - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
alright, i see the idea you're going at and it's not bad, it might be a little cliche, but it's not bad. um, my problems with this is that the lines are structured more in a prose manner than a poetic manner, maybe some type of divfision or rewording can help that. secondly it sounds repetitive when i read it to myslef, i think it's too much "the man" and "the glass" also, personally, i wouldn't be so blunt with the revealing of a metaphor such as the glass inside as you were, that's a personal preference of mine i guess, you told us the glass was the man's soul ort whatnot, let us ponder it. just some of my thoughts "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I agree with the above- I would just like to add that when archaic words like 'alas' are thrown in with more modern wording, it sounds like the writer is trying too hard to sound poetic. Would you actually say alas in a conversation? Stick to words that sound more natural and that stay with the pattern formed in the poem. everything's fine. |
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