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Critical Analysis #1
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Life For A Homeless Person Like Me
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Life For A Homeless Person Like Me |
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Trina Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97 |
Living on the streets sleeping on a bench teeth rotten from sweets not gaining an inch Begging for money life is so hard its not even funny how I piss in a yard Little kids laugh while I sleep and snore the rain is my only bath when I'm living poor I got blisters on my feet and they're beginning to swell I really need to eat I'm in pain and I smell I can't remember my name my mind is so blank this isn't a game this isn't a prank Im dirty and bitter dying of AIDS known as a quitter homeless and afraid |
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| © Copyright 2001 Trina - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this is good. I would change the title- it's too plaintive a cry of 'read me, read me' and I think the poem itself deserves better, even if it's just untitled. (usually when I'm at a loss for a title, I think of the subject of the poem and the first powerful word it strikes in me. If it doesn't sound right, I keep searching. Sometimes off-the wall words work, and sometimes there's nothing at all.) Regarding the poem itself, the first stanza opened a bit weak with the first two lines, and the second 2 confused me? I never really imagined homeless teeth rotting from sweets, but from improper hygeine. Then not gaining an inch didn't sit right- I didn't know if you meant economically, or physically (from the sweets). It gave me the impression of being there to complete the rhyme scheme. The next four stanzas are good. I wouldn't change a thing. Very real voice you speak with- it's convincing and I like it. The last stanza, however, got me thinking. the first three lines of it use a lot of sharp consonants (mainly 't') which makes it strong, cutting, and emotional, leading to a monumental last line... your words are okay, but the soft sound of them was a bit of an anti-climax to me. Maybe that was intended, the wind-down of a long rant, the indication of him giving up, realizing anger gets him nowhere? I don't know whether to suggest a change or not- I geuss if you want a real hard hitting last line, make it stronger, but if you intended the loss of energy, keep as is. Thanks for posting this- I love it when people post things that get me to think about poetic techniques- why people do things the way they do, and the final meaning. everything's fine. |
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Trina Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97 |
Thank you for your thoughts on my poem, I wrote this when I was in the phase of focusing more on rhyming but as for the teeth rotten from sweets it was just part of the rhyming phase I was in. Yes they really rot from bad hygiene but I was focusing more on when they get a little pocket change and all they can really buy is little candies and hey all of that is still stuck in their mouth since they can't brush so I just wrote it in that simple line. As for the ending I really have no changes I would like to make I'm pretty happy with it but If I can come up with something better I will change it , that goes for the title too. I know alot of people assumed that the poem was really about me just because I wrote the word me in the title but their arguments were just plain dumb to me. I wanted to write from a different point of view so I pretended I was the homeless person and that's how I came up with the title. I do that alot, I pretend to be different people in different situations. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
i liked the idea of the poem and you did pretty good with it, also, writing from someone else's viewpoint is difficult and you did good with it.. the only criticism i have is that the rhyme scheme sounded a bit too forced, i especially thought so in the "it's not even funy piss in a yard" bit. i think it would be better in free verse or a less structured rhyme scheme...just my thoughts "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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Jonathon A. Lowry Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 38 |
i too have spent a few years on the street and i think it is beautiful... i really dig the speed of the poem when you read it it keeps you on top of things never a dull moment lovley |
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Trina Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97 |
Thank you very much. I've never lived on the streets but I'm glad I wasn't way off on what it's like for those who have experienced it. |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Trina, I don't have much to say about it but I really liked the poem! The rhymes are perfect!  Expecting to read more of yours! |
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Trina Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97 |
Awww thanx, I'm glad you liked it and I hope you find more of my work that you like too. Take care, Trina |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I really enjoyed this one as well. You did a wonderful job of placing the reader in the shoes of really horrendous circumstance. Which is why... I also feel it deserves a better title. Plus, for some reason the word "only" (only bath) didn't set well with me. It feels unnecessary, though, I haven't a good reason to back up my opinion with. -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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Trina Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97 |
Well I don't have any ideas on a better title but I'm open to suggestions. As for the word "only" I think if I eliminate it it messes up the flow, I could be wrong but it sounds better to me with only in it instead of "the rain is my bath". Thanx for reading, if you have any further thoughts please be sure to let me know. Take care, Trina |
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