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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Please Read..... |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL 
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Please tell me what you think... I have been writing for about three years... When I started I didn't mean to become serious with it but the more and more I wrote about things that bothered me the better I felt... I have been through a lot in my life and poetry is my way of escaping. Everyone who reads my poetry tells me I have a natural talent but I don't know how much of that is true. I have won several contest and have 3 publications, but I just simply want others opinions. Well, here is my most recent poem. 12:16 AM 6/25/01 Jessica shattered dreams wreckless thoughts emotions lost through bitter tears only seeing what it costs hearts broken in lies believed as truth my mind's whirling trying to pay my dues hopes so far away not close enough to touch this sense that I can't change what I longed for so much you pulled me in this never-ending void so help me break this silence darkness laughs at the sun please stop this violence what I have become scares me it was your fault completely you gently jerked at my wings until you got the best of me that is no longer so I have freed myself from your hell my anger has diminished I have now fell can you feel it? my forgiveness numbs you I've learned to forgive but to never forget what you do forcing smiles isn't easy I've learned this also hiding hurt under a dark sheet won't allow you to grow pain swallowed me in a tide of grief pulling and tearing at every last inch of my soul I live with regrets but they've made me whole without experience you have not lived a full life what you suffer is what you learn in strife but if you dwell on your mistakes you will drownd in an ocean of sorrow you live for today not in tomorrow Thank you... Please post any changes or suggestions.  |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jessica Langford - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi Jessica. I think you seem to have a knack for working sounds together in words. I also think that your poem could have some real poetential if you broadened its horizons to encompass more dramatic language and techniques. for example, your opening lines: 'shattered dreams wreckless thoughts emotions lost through bitter tears' Wonderful flow. Overused words. Some of your rhyming works well, but in certain parts it seems forced especially in 'without experience you have not lived a full life what you suffer is what you learn in strife' I have come to despise the word 'strife' in poetry because a.) I have never once heard the word spoken aloud in conversation. It always looks so foreign on a page to me and b.) I often think the word was simply made up to rhyme with 'life', or occasionally 'knife'. I think that pair of words should go altogether. Other than that, I would suggest getting away form the broad concept words (bitter tears, hearts broken, never-ending void, anger, forgiveness, numb, hurt, dark, grief, soul, regrets, life, strife, suffer, mistakes, ocean of sorrow, etc,) because they don;t give the reader a specific impression of anything, and a vague poem means a weak poem, and a weak poem (or a poem that makes someone think 'oh, I've heard that before') is not a poem that's going to leave a lasting impression. everything's fine. |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Hush, Thank you... I totally agree with you. I was struggling when I used the word strife... to be honest, I despise it myself... If you would, rewrite it a little if you have the time and want to... Once again... Thanks! What don't kill you can only make you stronger... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jessica, Although I agree with Hush, I would like to say that I think you have true potential. Flow, rhythm is so important in a poem, and you seem to have grasped that concept. I would also like to say that you CAN write an effective, interesting poem using evryday language. It's often how and where you position the words, how they work together, and, of course, the meaning or imagery presented. I would probably change this a bit (just a quick example) dreams shattered, wreckless thoughts, bitter tears see what it costs, fractures covered with the lies that wore the face of truth. See what I mean? All the best to you...keep writing, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-29-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jessica, Welcome to Critical Analysis. I see you have already received some excellent advice from a couple of darn good critiquers so I won't try to add anything there. Just wanted to say welcome. Check you email for a message. Pete |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
Jessica, (you share my sister's name) First off WELCOME...I myself am still new, so take what you will of my comments. Like everyone has said I feel you have potential. My best advice is to find the words you are feeling, (what i mean here is to think carefully...as was pointed out above about typical words), also when one word comes to your mind, think of ten others that relate with it...search and scan a dictionary and thesaurus for these words and see how they fit in with what you're feeling. Then try and draw a map of what it is you're feeling, so you can fill in the pictures for your audience...(can it be related to anything solid within the word, i.e. a baby crying, a storm, an old abandoned house, etc.) As you find a correlation with your emotions to something solid, build a mood or idea for the poem to follow...**don't** (and this is ^merely^ my opinion)...allow standard poetic rules, rhyming and such to dictate the flow of your piece!!! Let your voice, emotions and situation control this!!! Most importantly the more you try to fix a poem at times, the more controlled it sometimes reads and feels to the reader. Be yourself, no one knows the you of your poetry, only yourself, so have fun and be proud of it!!! ~only my two cents~ Good luck and I hope this helps and remember you have the emotion and feeling needed to produce an image!! Read some Sylvia Plath (Mirror) and even some good short story authors like Poe and Eudora Welty...they teach great deals through imagery. To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Thank you Gypsy... I am a new member also... I have already found out that everyone here is expectionally friendly and they tell you the TRUTH about your poetry, I don't know about you but that means a lot to me. Well... I hope you enjoy it here, I know I have already grown attached. And thank you for your advice on my poem. What don't kill you can only make you stronger... |
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