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Jessica
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350
South AL

0 posted 2001-06-28 10:13 PM


Please tell me what you think... I have been writing for about three years... When I started I didn't mean to become serious with it but the more and more I wrote about things that bothered me the better I felt... I have been through a lot in my life and poetry is my way of escaping. Everyone who reads my poetry tells me I have a natural talent but I don't know how much of that is true. I have won several contest and have 3 publications, but I just simply want others opinions. Well, here is my most recent poem.

12:16 AM 6/25/01          Jessica

shattered dreams
wreckless thoughts
emotions lost through bitter tears
only seeing what it costs
hearts broken
in lies believed as truth
my mind's whirling
trying to pay my dues
hopes so far away
not close enough to touch
this sense that I can't change
what I longed for so much
you pulled me in this never-ending void
so help me break this silence
darkness laughs at the sun
please stop this violence
what I have become scares me
it was your fault completely
you gently jerked at my wings
until you got the best of me
that is no longer so
I have freed myself from your hell
my anger has diminished
I have now fell
can you feel it?
my forgiveness numbs you
I've learned to forgive
but to never forget what you do
forcing smiles isn't easy
I've learned this also
hiding hurt under a dark sheet
won't allow you to grow
pain swallowed me in a tide of grief
pulling and tearing at every last inch of my soul
I live with regrets
but they've made me whole
without experience
you have not lived a full life
what you suffer
is what you learn in strife
but if you dwell on your mistakes
you will drownd in an ocean of sorrow
you live for today
not in tomorrow
    
Thank you... Please post any changes or suggestions.  


© Copyright 2001 Jessica Langford - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-06-28 11:13 PM


Hi Jessica. I think you seem to have a knack for working sounds together in words. I also think that your poem could have some real poetential if you broadened its horizons to encompass more dramatic language and techniques. for example, your opening lines:

'shattered dreams
wreckless thoughts
emotions lost through bitter tears'

Wonderful flow. Overused words.

Some of your rhyming works well, but in certain parts it seems forced especially in

'without experience
you have not lived a full life
what you suffer
is what you learn in strife'

I have come to despise the word 'strife' in poetry because a.) I have never once heard the word spoken aloud in conversation. It always looks so foreign on a page to me and b.) I often think the word was simply made up to rhyme with 'life', or occasionally 'knife'.
I think that pair of words should go altogether.

Other than that, I would suggest getting away form the broad concept words (bitter tears, hearts broken, never-ending void, anger, forgiveness, numb, hurt, dark, grief, soul, regrets, life, strife, suffer, mistakes, ocean of sorrow, etc,) because they don;t give the reader a specific impression of anything, and a vague poem means a weak poem, and a weak poem (or a poem that makes someone think 'oh, I've heard that before') is not a poem that's going to leave a lasting impression.

everything's fine.

Jessica
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350
South AL
2 posted 2001-06-28 11:21 PM


Hush,
  Thank you... I totally agree with you. I was struggling when I used the word strife... to be honest, I despise it myself... If you would, rewrite it a little if you have the time and want to... Once again... Thanks!  

What don't kill you can only make you stronger...

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-06-29 01:14 PM


Jessica,

Although I agree with Hush, I would like to say that I think you have true potential. Flow, rhythm is so important in a poem, and you seem to have grasped that concept.

I would also like to say that you CAN write an effective, interesting poem using evryday language. It's often how and where you position the words, how they work together, and, of course, the meaning or imagery presented.

I would probably change this a bit (just a quick example)

dreams shattered,
wreckless thoughts,
bitter tears see what it costs,
fractures covered with the lies
that wore the face of truth.

See what I mean?
All the best to you...keep writing,

Kris



"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-29-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2001-06-29 04:16 PM


Hi Jessica,

Welcome to Critical Analysis. I see you have already received some excellent advice from a couple of darn good critiquers so I won't try to add anything there.

Just wanted to say welcome. Check you email for a message.

Pete

Gypsy
Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20
VA Coast
5 posted 2001-07-01 02:45 AM


Jessica, (you share my sister's name)

First off WELCOME...I myself am still new, so take what you will of my comments.  

Like everyone has said I feel you have potential. My best advice is to find the words you are feeling, (what i mean here is to think carefully...as was pointed out above about typical words), also when one word comes to your mind, think of ten others that relate with it...search and scan a dictionary and thesaurus for these words and see how they fit in with what you're feeling.  

Then try and draw a map of what it is you're feeling, so you can fill in the pictures for your audience...(can it be related to anything solid within the word, i.e. a baby crying, a storm, an old abandoned house, etc.)

As you find a correlation with your emotions to something solid, build a mood or idea for the poem to follow...**don't** (and this is  ^merely^ my opinion)...allow standard poetic rules, rhyming and such to dictate the flow of your piece!!!

Let your voice, emotions and situation control this!!!

Most importantly the more you try to fix a poem at times, the more controlled it sometimes reads and feels to the reader.
Be yourself, no one knows the you of your poetry, only yourself, so have fun and be proud of it!!!

~only my two cents~  
Good luck and I hope this helps and remember you have the emotion and feeling needed to produce an image!!

Read some Sylvia Plath (Mirror) and even some good short story authors like Poe and Eudora Welty...they teach great deals through imagery.  

To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson

Jessica
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350
South AL
6 posted 2001-07-01 02:14 PM


Thank you Gypsy... I am a new member also... I have already found out that everyone here is expectionally friendly and they tell you the TRUTH about your poetry, I don't know about you but that means a lot to me.   Well... I hope you enjoy it here, I know I have already grown attached.   And thank you for your advice on my poem.  

What don't kill you can only make you stronger...

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