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Critical Analysis #1

One Pebble That Reminds

Soleil
Member

since 1999-06-12

Posts 113

0 posted 1999-09-28 08:26 PM

Where the land meets the edges of the water
I have seen earth's son, sun's daughter.

In violation of a tertiary chasm which heaven opened
The earth heaved forth from depths unfathomed.
Time was born to shape mankind's fate.
Chance was born to ease subsequent hate.
Engendered by dimensions previously unknown:
The unseeing hand and deception now shown.
Mankind stumbled forward forced
And the angered sun then torched
What the earth had cherished:
The Forest of Dreams of man did perish.
Deprived of rain, the earth did bleed
Shuddering at heaven's malevolent seed.
But Chance proved that dreams persist
Of hope and insight some consist.
Time did fashion its own landscaped grace
Which it did in leisure, not in haste.
And were it not for Changes endless revision
There would be no such tangled decisions
As too raise mountains from visions of ocean rare.
And while rampaging stallions rampaged
Heaven's heaven stared.
The sun relented by earth's torn grief
Realized tolerance, it sought relief.
The Sun ordered Chance:
Take my mantle of light
And from oaken stand cut a staff,
With these mankind will build a raft
To sift through ancient memories traced
With Time and Chance, he will see my face.
And it is with one pebble that reminds
That where the land meets water, it is there to find.

.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-30 05:00 AM

This started as a very strong epic piece -- the style works well with the theme but right around

As too raise mountains from visions of ocean rare
And while rampaging stallions rampaged

you just lost me. Besides the rampaging rampage and the 'too' it seems like you've just put together a mish mash of different images. It's hard, for me, to see what you're doing here. Or rather, I see what you're trying to do -- the universe in a grain of sand thing -- but I really think the last part needs some revising.

just my opinion,
Brad

Soleil
Member

since 1999-06-12

Posts 113

2 posted 1999-10-07 08:56 PM

That is why I posted it here. You're right, I'll delete some and rewrite. Needed to know just when I went south with it.

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