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Critical Analysis #1
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road 
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where on earth are we lost by rock crashing surf block-jammed in grey corners swept yellow streaked in painted hollows hear down here where it whispers breathing deep frosty air down here where you weep with joy or pain under the veil in ecstasy or torment oceans of tears or smiles like the sun crowned we are with the crown of thorns cast on oceans to carry us or drown us or sweeten our day with turquoise breezes fresh days and moments lost in time while a widow wails opening her heart to death and a future blacker than night a child opens eyes pure as daybreak over fields of green while an old man dies surrounded by his things left open to any wind to sweep them away we follow inexorably crying or laughing sighing or cursing hating or loving open and closed lost and safe between two worlds as the world turns ever confusing what is with what was what should have been and why we failed and who we are and how we see us we follow our hearts to the cliff the wall or the skies [This message has been edited by allan (edited 06-20-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Allan Tierney - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Your first stanza is very beautiful, but "oceans of tears or smiles like the sun" has been said way too many times. After that, it seems like you stop showing us a picture thru words and start telling us about it. It also seems like it's trying too hard to do so. Stick to the less confined style of stanza one and the entire piece will benefit. everything's fine. |
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