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Siren Song Lost
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Siren Song Lost |
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Death of Valor Junior Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 20New Orleans |
Siren Song Lost The girl sits bent over her tablet. She is scribbling with furious intent, but stops as abruptly as she started, crumples the paper, and strides to place it by its brothers in the cold trash-can. The yellow tablet is glared at, and soon follows. Once she wrote music with words the heavens would praise. Those lines of old would dare gods to resist; her win, a trophy-shore of bones. But, oh, little Siren, country won't kill. Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith) |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The opening lines aren't too bad, but they aren't really very descriptive, I don't get any real idea of who she is, where she is, why she is writing.... but stops as abruptly as she started, crumples the two 'as' in close proximity sound bad. The rest of the stanza is also a bit barren- it needs something, some beat or description or something. Also- why are the papers brothers? it seems like an unnecessary analogy to me- who is mother? the girl? the tablet? it stuck a bad chord in me. the second stanza was a little too bland- and a bit confusing- i didn't understand the transition from frustration (with no supporting setting or motive) to the heavens- and the conclusion totally baffles me. She killed the loves in her life for her writing? that's the only thing I can think of, but it needs to be made more clear- I also understand the motivation for using the Siren, whose call is now lost or whatever, but it's been done too many times. Your writing here isn't particularly bad, but I think there is a certain lack of personal flavor and zest that poems should have. Hey you, |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
Again I really like this poem too. I've read it on four different occasions...the only thing I would like to say is, I too am a bit confused about the transitions from her writing and a country killing. But I get the fact that her trophy is her past, which can not be reclaimed. I, however appreciate the subtle direction of the poem..how she could be anyone. A face with no name...hence poetry, music, etc. Rarely do we know the writers. I disagreee about the papers being brothers, I think this is good and a very important part of the poem. Actually I think it's my favorite line. But again this all just my opinion, to be taken or left.  To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson |
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