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Fools and Folly - A soldiers thoughts
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Fools and Folly - A soldiers thoughts |
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Shadowdean Junior Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 11Silver Spring, MD |
Clenched against my chest, I wheeze and heave, the world around me dark red. II Rushing forward, Fast as lightning, The night hands cup my cheek. "Victory can be anticipated, but not assured" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Joshua Peters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Overall, this is a nice style- your phrasing maintains a good flow for the short poem, which can be difficult. in the first one- first, you never specify what is clenched against your chest- it's a bit confusing. Also, dark red is a very weak description... I felt like I had just put on some cheap imitation Natural Born Killers-type sunglasses and viewed your poem with it... give us something more unique, and maybe with a brief (one or two word) description of it's nature- is it soothing, like a long awaited death that serves as escape, or is it threatening? Just add a word that would elaborate a bit. in the second one, you don't say what is rushing forward- is it you or the night? Fast as lighting is overused- and, you say "hands cup my cheek" I don't think two hands cupping one cheek is an effective image- switch over to singular or plural w/ both nouns to avoid the confusion. Hey you, |
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Death of Valor Junior Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 20New Orleans |
"Fast as lightning" is very overused. Find something else that is fast -- something different. Whatever simile you use in that line will set the poem's tone. If you want an example poet, look up Ezra Pound (a notable poem of his is "In a Station of the Metro"). Are hands being "clenched against my chest," or roses or a gun... what? You don't even need "around me," when it comes down to it. Since it's first person, the world is as the speaker sees it -- that's understood. "Wheeze and heave" is fine, but it seems lacking -- perhaps because the other two lines are so obscure. "The night hands" -- is that grammatically correct? Should it be "the night's hands," or is it hands made out of night? And how can two hands cup one cheek? Why is the speaker rushing forward? Are they running? Are these two poems connected or seperate? If the second is part of the first, I'm surprised the speaker can move after his/her world is "dark red." I was assuming they were shot. Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith) |
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