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Mona Lisa
Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 100
Halifax, Nova Scotia

0 posted 1999-09-28 01:55 PM

(Note: this poem is somewhat dark, but it came to me and I had to write it)

He lay trapped inside, crying and afraid,
his body in pain, his chances outweighed.

His pleas for help falling on deaf ears,
and no one around to wipe his tears.

But through his anguish, his memory travels
while the fate of his destiny slowly unravels.

Though his body is weak, his mind remembers
as he struggles to rekindle the dying embers,

of a life once vibrant, now fading to its doom,
sealing its fate in a metal tomb.

Cut short all at once by a screech and a crash,
on his brow, the etchings a fatal gash.

Blood flowing mercilessly inside and out,
his last hopes fading beyond any doubt.

If only he had known what lay ahead,
he might have slowed down, and not have sped.

But it was too late for regrets, to late for laments.
Too late to undo this turn of events.

His cries for help still lay unheeded,
as the truth of his fate he now conceded.

In no time it seemed, his cries for help faded,
the last of his strength now spent and abated.

Now quiet and still, down a long dark zone,
lay the shell of one soul who had died
alone.

[This message has been edited by Mona Lisa (edited 09-28-1999).]

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-09-28 05:05 PM

Ok.....I liked the poem. The only major probelem I saw was that the rythm was off in a few places.....

of a life once vibrant, now fading to its doom,
sealing its fate in a metal tomb.

Cut short all at once by a screech and a crash,
on his brow, the etchings a fatal gash.

This being one of them. the second lines in each could use another syllable. That would make it flow much better.

But it was too late for regrets, to late for laments.
Too late to undo this turn of events.

This is my favorite stanza. I liked the way it all flowed together.

Overall, a good poem.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Mona Lisa
Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 100
Halifax, Nova Scotia

2 posted 1999-09-28 06:40 PM

Thank you for your response and critique. I will look at those stanzas you suggested to see what syllables may make work a little better.

Point well taken.

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