1st Cinquain/Last poem? - pipTalk Forums

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KwiatMan
Junior Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 17
Florida

0 posted 2001-05-23 12:48 PM

Farm Life

Springtime
mixed emotions.
Smell of newly turned soil
sharply smothered by silent wind.
Damned mule.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2001-05-23 06:12 PM

Here are some suggestions:
(suggeted additions and comments), [suggested deletions]

Farm Life (I like the title)

Springtime(.)
(M)ixed emotions[.]
Smell of newly turned soil
sharply smothered by silent wind
Damned mule (why is the mule damned?)

-Is sharply the right word?
-Why is the mule damned, because of his role in turning the soil or because of his contribution to the smell, or just because the speaker is in a hateful mood?

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

KwiatMan
Junior Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 17
Florida

2 posted 2001-05-23 11:15 PM

Kirk..
It may well be that your critique is first
and last. That being the case, I have to ask
a couple of questions as I'm here to learn.
Suggested Revision:
Farm Life

Springtime.
Mixed emotions
Smell of newly turned soil
sharply smothered by silent wind.
Damned mule.

I'm not clear about the addition of a period
after "Springtime". I meant the 1st two lines
to constitute one thought or sentence.
Deleting the period after "emotions" is
also confusing. I meant the 3rd and 4th lines
to constitute one thought or sentence.
"sharply" is an apt description of a pungent
odor overcoming a more gentle, earthy odor.
I'm open to any 2 syllable word that will
fit.
"Damned mule" is not meant to damn the mule.
I could have used, durned, dratted, darned,
pesky, etc. Todays generation would probably
use some form of the *f-word*. I have a dry
sense of humor so please take all of this
as good fun while I'm learning.
When I wrote this cinquain, I had the
humorous image of a grizzled farmer in the
1930's, dressed in bib overalls, work boots,
and straw hat, with gnarled hands on the
age polished handles of a single blade plow.
After waiting for the spring thaw, he
relished in the smell of the fresh plowed
furrows and the joy of beginning his
planting season. When he was returned to
reality by his mules delivery of what most
eight year olds call a "sneaky *f--t*, he
was in a sour mood. So he cussed the darned
animal.
Kirk please help me with the punctuation, etc.
And thanks for the critique.
Jan...

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2001-05-24 01:19 PM

hi jan--

well, lol, what can i say. damned mule indeed, lol.

from what i know about cinquains, the form here is perfect: 5 lines; 2 syllables, 4 syllables, 6 syllables, 8 syllables, then 2 syllables.

i like the punctuation you had originally. you might think about a semicolon after emotions (just to keep the poem from coming to a full stop at the end of the second line), and maybe a comma after springtime, though i don't think you really need the latter.

nice work here jan, i hope to see more from you out here soon.

thanks,

jenni

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

4 posted 2001-05-24 03:26 PM

I see now where you are going with the "silent wind" so my punctuation suggestions should be disregarded. I guess I didn't get the joke on the first time around.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

KwiatMan
Junior Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 17
Florida

5 posted 2001-05-24 07:44 PM

Kirk.. Sorry to have misled you. That may
have been the soggiest dry humor I'll ever
post. I took advantage of you. That wasn't
a Missouri mule, it was a Wisconsin draft
horse, much like the Budweiser types, and
I "been there, done that"... Thanks again..

Jenni, I'm deeply grateful for the critique.
As far as poetry posting, I am primarily a
non-fiction technical writer, currently
creating a fictional short story called
Redneck Ramblin's that covers every subject
that comes to a redneck's mind including
gator rasslin', but little if any sex.
Unless you count the gators.

I am curious enough about poetry that I
bought Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.
Wouldn't you know. Not a word about
cinquains, haiku, tanka, etc.
So you won't see too much of me in the
poetry forums until I do some learning.
Thanks again, Jenni.
Jan..

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

6 posted 2001-05-25 02:54 PM

I think we can all appreciate that you wish to learn the forms, but I don't think that you should bar yourself from the forums until you've become an expert! If that was the case it would be pretty lonely around here (of course, I wouldn't notice because I wouldn't be here either!) We are all here to improve our work and LEARN from others. So let us all help you as we can while you learn and please continue to post!

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Anson Beau Cavell
Junior Member

since 2001-05-12

Posts 49
Ohio,US

7 posted 2001-05-30 01:33 AM

I really hope you post more often, I loved this piece.
It is so tranquil until...
Well that damned mule

Great piece

And I second the "don't wait until your an expert" part, in my opinion you wonderful now.

Thanks for posting this very funny piece.

killed my Buddha, killed my Christ
Killed my karma, paid the price

For 27 years I've carried the welt
Wie klein ist Ihre Welt?

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