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J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

0 posted 2001-05-20 10:32 PM

His first act of fatherhood,
was to forever seperate,
Mother
from Child.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

7
Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA

1 posted 2001-05-20 10:48 PM

Wow. I know this is for critical analysis, but I can't really find anything to change. Very profound.

7

Joricho
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 56
Australia

2 posted 2001-05-21 01:20 AM

Mm yes, very clever! Makes me THINK - is it meant to be ominous?

I should point out that
1)it's "sepArate" not "sepErate"
2)you have a split infinitive in line 2, but I don't think we worry about those now!

Not sure about the capitals - unless you're talking about Joseph and Mary? (maybe you are!)
I DON'T LIKE CAPITALISATION!!!

Many waters cannot quench love,
nor will rivers overflow it.
If a man were to give the riches of his house for love,
it would be utterly despised

[This message has been edited by Joricho (edited 05-21-2001).]

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2001-05-21 07:20 PM

jason--

a very interesting piece! clever, pithy, specific, and quite thought-provoking... you know how to craft an excellent four-liner.

ditto jo, though, on both the misspelling and the capitalization...

great job on this!

jenni

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

4 posted 2001-05-21 08:13 PM

Powerful take on a simple image/act. Very nicely done. It is ominous because it implies future acts of fatherhood which are supposedly similar. Very very very very nice. I would lose the commas and fix the typo that Jorico pointed out. I think the CAPS are okay but you should consider capitalizing fatherhood, too, if you want the religious connotations to be stronger. Once again, very nice. This is definitely one of my favorite all-time poems from CA.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

7
Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA

5 posted 2001-05-22 02:36 PM

You don't have to tell if you don't want to, but did you have the religious implications in mind?

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

6 posted 2001-05-24 04:04 PM

so much said is such few lines, that is the power of poetry to make us think and that you have.

"across the unfair divide
where black will never meet white
so read my token lips
as though they never exist"

nicky wire

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