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Excommunication
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Excommunication |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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I rewrote this today but as I can often be my own worst critic I need a second opinion on this. All constructive criticism very well. Thanks in advance ======================================= I retain perfect anonymity cut from the confines of locality, parading neighbours are attained as mere strangers. Is that privilege not my birth bestowed to root here really quoting native code? A spare cog no lock of key for the ever burning rural machine. I am not blessed to prosper, My feet these fields refuse to foster. A cradle, abandoned, for my heart so weary unreceived on the earth erasing my history The canal trembles in overcast perpetual, its grey temples harvest solace and torment ritual. Beneath the monolith shadow destiny was dealt, The crush exile hand echoes eternally felt. Here my elders held court before trading frugality of fort for immunity of the tomb. My Sole refuge is this domestic heirloom. The cult of outside fails to seep thro' this threshold. To ambling field and orchard my loyalty is gold. " "Across the unfair divide Where black will never meet white So read my token lips As if they never exist" Nicky wire [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 05-20-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kurt Rhys Junior Member
since 2001-05-08
Posts 23 |
The first stanza is clear, unconvoluted and rhythmically sound, but the rest are needlessly obscure and the last four lines, in particular, lack metrical cohesion. |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Brian, I'm really interested by the ideas that you're exploring here - as I understand it, you're exploring locality and identity, especially your own feeling of excommunication from environment you're in (or am I missing the point). As always, my main suggestion is that you simplify so that your main idea is CLEAR. You have some great phrases: "frugality of fort", "ambling fields","the canal trembles", but they are embedded in too many obscure metaphors and images to shine as they should! I also think that if you choose to use rhyme, you need to settle on a rhymning scheme and stick to it - otherwise it irritates rather than emphasises. But please keep working on it - it's a powerful idea! Jo Many waters cannot quench love, |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
THanks guys for your advice, I tried a reworking no major changes just changing a few bits but rhyme is not a strong point for me a such and I know little about the technical side of poetry unfortunatly it was taught to me at school, I learned poetry through my mistakes and some talent for writing. anyway ranting here Thnaks again for your input and if you have anything further to add I would love to hear your commments, so far they have been really helpful. cheers  ============= Excommunication I retain perfect anonymity cut from the confines of locality, parading neighbours are attained as mere strangers. Is this privilege not my birth bestowed to root readily quoting native code? I was not baptised to prosper, My feet are refused in foster. A heart so weary, denied a cradle conjoined with history. The canal trembles of overcast perpetual, its temples breathe routine rural ritual. Destiny dealt the exile hand below the monolith. My elders here held court 'fore trading frugality of fort, choosing an inoculated tomb. They gave countenance in a domestic heirloom. The cult of outside fails to seep thro' this threshold. To ambling field and orchard my loyalty is gold. "across the unfair divide |
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