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Critical Analysis #1
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rascalx
Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

0 posted 2001-05-13 05:02 PM


Fellow writers and readers,
    It feels good (albeit strange) to be back! I've spent the last several months going through a self-imposed writer's block. I found that for the first time in my writing history, the emotions of what I was going through were too strong to adequately put on paper. I was too "caught up" in my feelings to spearate myself from them and write. As this is my first poem in a long time, I am a bit apprehensive about it. It feels done but when I go back and reread it, I think it's missing something. So I'm opening this one up to the forum. I'm looking for suggestions, critiques, improvements, etc.. Heck if you think it's fine just the way it is or even if it sucks eggs..tell me what you think! :-) I'm also looking for a good title. Thank you friends!
                            - Jeff (rascalx)
____________________________________________________
Look At What You’ve Done

V1.      Trying to color inside the lines
          but my desires for self expression
           know no boundaries
         Besides, you took the colorful crayons
          out of my box
           only leaving me black and blue

Chorus1:     My feelings aren’t typical
          Though my behavior is despicable
         You brought this monster out of me
             My selfishness is horrible
            And my morals are deplorable
            But it’s you who set me free

V2.       Rules are meant to be broken
           or is that just a convenient excuse
            to justify my activities
          Besides, you ain’t the Virgin Mary
           you just hide it better
            God forbid I should take after you

Chorus2:     My feelings are emotional
          Though my behavior is sexual
         You brought the lover out of me
             My fantasies are magical
            And my appetite insatiable
            But it’s you who set me free

Bridge:        Look at your creation
            Are you my Dr. Frankenstein?
              Calling Dr. Strangelove
                 To give me a sign – because

               (Repeat chorus1 and 2)


© Copyright 2001 Jeff Osborne - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
1 posted 2001-05-13 11:42 PM


This looks and sounds like song lyrics.  Some people will probably argue with me, but I am not sure that contemporary song lyrics qualify as literary works.  I know that there are exceptions (Springsteen's Philidelphia, some Bob Dylan stuff, etc.) but a lot of songs are written to be songs and don't translate well into poetry.  They lose a lot of their energy when they are transfered to the page.  Take Philidelphia, for instance, it is actually a very powerful poem by itself but it is VERY different from the power of the song.  Anyway, this is, obviously, based on the format, meant to be a song.  I think it has potential as pop/punk/etc. lyrics, but I am refraining FOR THE TIME BEING from critiquing it as a literary work unless someone can convince me otherwise.  Please don't take this post negatively, I enjoyed reading over the lyrics, but I think that I would much rather hear it sung to get the full effect that I think is missing here.  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


rascalx
Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA
2 posted 2001-05-15 07:13 AM


Kirk,

     You bring up an interesting argument and while I'm not sure it pertains to the  kind of criticism I am looking for with this poem, I have a few comments. First of all, I think it is fair to say that all song lyrics can be written as poems and that all poems can be put to music. Obviously the quality of these compositions will vary greatly depending upon the musician or writer. But to say that rap or pop or any other musical genre does not fall into the classification of poetry is false. Song lyrics exhibit structure, rhyme, form, and meter. Song lyrics can be just as effective as poems in portraying emotions. Secondly, while I personally agree with you that musicians like Bob Dylan, John Mellencamp or Bruce Springsteen stand a "cut above the rest" in regards to their writing abilities, one man's treasure is another man's junk. My son might think that Britney Spears is a talented writer. I may snicker at this belief, but it is his opinion thus it holds merit. To put it in another more "cliched" way, "different strokes for different folks" :-)
     That said, I am not asking anyone to critique my poem's grammatical content or to debate my choice of rhyme or form. I write in many styles depending on my mood at the time. What I am looking for in this case is whether or not I am adequately getting my emotions through to the reader with my choice of words and how they are arranged.

                    - Jeff Osborne

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
3 posted 2001-05-15 10:10 AM


I never said that songs weren't poetry!  I said they weren't necessarily LITERARY WORKS.  Big difference.  

Now that I know what kind of critique you are looking for, here are my comments:
I think that as song lyrics this will work very well.  The verses are based loosely on existing cliches, but this is usual is songs and works well.  I like the sound of the chorus.  This should sound nice set to music.
The basic idea of the feeling is their but I am not sure the emotion itself exists in the work.  Once again, sometimes songs rely on the singer for the emotion (Its the Singer Not the Song--Rolling Stones?).

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2001-05-15 09:31 PM


Jeff, when you post in CA, you are by definition, requesting a critique. Otherwise, you would post in Open or Dark or somewhere else. Although you may be looking for a specific type of critique, it is every member's right to critique as he sees fit.

Any poem is likely to get most any kind of response, some along the lines the writer expected and some completely unexpected. That's just how it is.

BTW, I more or less agree with Kirk. Technically speaking, most anything could be called poetry. Whether the general reader would agree is another matter. Song lyrics certainly might be called poetry but rarely do they make good poetry without the music to help set the mood.

In the case of this poem, I again agree with Kirk. As song lyrics, it works pretty well. As poetry, however, it falls a bit flat, precisely because it sounds too much like song lyrics.

Nothing wrong, by the way, with posting lyrics here, at least in my opinion. Now, maybe someone who knows a little more than I do will come on and talk about lyrics.

JMHO,
Pete

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2001-05-16 03:47 AM


I agree with Pete (no surprise there).You seem to be forgetting that grammar, rhythm, style, presentation all matter when it comes to getting your feeling across. Personally, I think you closeness to the theme has probably prevented you from creating any intimacy in the poem itself. So, in answer to your question, I would have to say 'no', the emotions do not come across in the way I guess you want them to.

What specifically happened? See if you can give us a picture of that. Don't tell us about what you did and the reaction but explain the details of the actual incident (if you get it right, the rest will follow).

Try to write some of these lines in a more original way:

only leaving me black and blue

But it's you who set me free

Rules are meant to be broken


That might be a start.

Just an opinion,
Brad

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
6 posted 2001-05-17 01:27 AM


jeff--

it's hard to tell if you're "adequately" getting your emotions across with your word choice and arrangement, without knowing what those emotions are.  

the general sense i get from the lyrics is, here's a guy who some chick has turned into a sex-crazed monster (like this doesn't describe every guy under the age of 50, lol, but that's a different issue).  i'm paraphrasing, of course.  but the repeated line "But it's you who set me free" makes the piece ambiguous, as i see it.  

on the one hand, the guy seems not to like being turned into a sex-crazed monster, and blames the girl; in this sense, the line "it's you who set me free" says, really, "you're the one responsible for letting the beast, this despicable monster with deplorable morals, out of the cage"... a negative connotation.  

on the other hand, that line begins with the word "But", signalling a change or contradiction to what precedes it; in that sense, the line seems to say, "even though i'm acting now in a way that some, or even most, people would find despicable and deplorable, you have set me free"... a positive connotation.  (who, after all, doesn't want to be set free? freedom is good, no?)  

i think the coloring/crayon stuff in the first verse, with the guy's desire for self expression, really doesn't fit well with the monster stuff going on in the remainder of the piece, and exacerbates the ambiguity in the repeated line in the chorus.  anyway, i found it confusing to get a good take on what you really mean here.  i assume from your introductory comments that you intended what i called above the 'negative connotation.'  if that's the case, i think you have an easy fix: delete the "But it's you who set me free" line and replace it with your title (i'm a despicable, deplorable monster now, etc., "look at what you've done to me").  

i generally agree with brad, it might be nice to see some specifics, to understand just what you mean.  what's the guy actually doing that's so despicable?  it doesn't have to be anything fancy.  take britney, for example: she doesn't just say "oops, i did it again," she tells us what she did: "i played with your heart, got lost in the game"... this, after saying right up in the first stanza, "i made you believe we're more than just friends."  (yep, i know the lyrics, lol.)      anyway, my point is, i think you need to establish some kind of context.  

one more little thing?  the line "feelings are emotional" was a real hoot for me, sorry.  aren't ALL feelings "emotional" in some way??

anyway, i hope this is helpful.  good luck on the song!  you have a pretty good start here.  

thanks,

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-17-2001).]

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
7 posted 2001-05-17 04:08 PM


Britney Spears?  What is happening to this forum?! ha ha
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