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Sepia
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sepia |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
She sat in her chair that Christmas morning and we pretended nothing had happened, eager to cover the empty spaces. Everything was wonderful, just what we needed or a tired family joke at which we laughed, too hard; oh look, another beaded purse from Aunt Louise. And the dog, we had a cocker spaniel then, he tore into a cave of wrapping paper, wagging his stumpy little tail, look, we said, how cute. She watched it all from her chair in the hall, the festive plaid blanket spread on her lap cutting the season’s mirth, hanging stiffly over a void, over diseased legs lost to the surgeon’s saw. We could give her nothing that year. She gave me a white sweater, and a memory her hollow, haunted brown eyes. |
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| © Copyright 2001 jenni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
jenni- wow. this is really intensely painful reading this. the distractions such as the family joke and the dog just make the specter of the i suppose "grandma" figure loom larger. the last line, wonderful. that memory almost says more than the rest of the poem. the beginning is like the prelude to that line. the title really works here too. i thought it was going to be something else, so it's really beautiful and surprising. the only crit that i really have is the "festive" plaid. i don't know that that word works, maybe it does, but in a poem where everything else is so fluid and sad, festive to me was like a gawdy pinata hanging on the stanza. plus, if you're saying that this blanket is over her diseased legs than it seems kind of wrong for it to be "festive." but that's really irrelevant in comparison to how moving this poem is. thanks for posting this. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
jenni, this poem, like all poems dealing with tragic situations, has real potential, but somehow it seems as if you almost don't want to say anything about the woman in the chair though her obvious suffering and what it means are presented as the central theme. Perhaps you should tell us about her, and make all the other things the incidentals, instead of the other way around. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I more or less disagree with YeshuJah Malikk in that I thought the tension and the setting were portrayed wonderfully and that I think that is enough for one poem. The tension especially. Wow. The mood of this poem is incredible and done mostly with images from a single one room setting. Also I think that we know all we need to know about the woman in the chair in this poem. Any more detail would take us out of the one room and mess with the wonderfully done setting. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
"her hollow, haunted brown eyes." What a solid way to end this piece, Jenni. I think it says as much as the rest of the poem. Great Work.  |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this was a very awesome write i liked the format and how you put your thoughts and emotions in this piece.. great job on the poem and keep writing jenni   ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Jenni Kirk summed up my first impression of this poem when he commented on the “mood”. You seem to have captured that very well indeed with the result that we “see” a lot more than is actually written, and to that extent I too disagree with YeshuJah. In fact, to clutter the piece with more detail about the main subject would, I think, take away from, rather than add to, the poem. What works for me? Well the title for a start. Great choice. So many echoes with the poem that follows. All that a title should be imho: Sepia - as the old photo the memories (but somehow those faded brown old photos are in themselves kind of sad don’t you think - almost as if they portray another world long gone where even colors were less vibrant) Sepia - the color itself; brownish gray, drab, dull - something sober and sad, under the festivities (under the blanket). Picked up at the closure again in the wonderful alliterated ending; her eyes. Sepia - pigment from cuttlefish. Cuttlefish bone is so white in contrast to the inky brown secretion it contains - surface purity and joy - hidden suffering and darkness. Good work. What else do I like. Pretty much everything actually! The immediate introduction of the central character and the second line which says so much so succinctly. The third line; well wow! It sets up a huge tension very very effectively. Mainly perhaps the alliteration, and the meter which borders on dactylic: EA ger to COV er the EMP ty SPA ces normally associated with lighter verse maybe, pulls against the language which is forlorn in its intensity (eager to try to do the impossible). Again we see the effect produced of a surface attempt at levity or lightness but underneath something more serious - reflecting the main theme of the poem. Next you move into a more disjointed syntax. Lines and language broken, as if the characters are trying to patch something together. And the pauses and hesitations beautifully create the sense of the awkward silences, the desperation to find the right words. I’m not a great fan of “typesetting” experiments normally, but the indentations are inspired in this case - picking up on the “empty spaces” in the third line and actually “showing” us those spaces while at the same time creating the “sound of silence” (apologies to S & G!). I also like the introduction of the innocence of the spaniel - unknowing, uncaring - on the face of it the genuineness of the dog’s happiness could have been agonising, and indeed it does provide a vivid contrast, but in the end its innocence possibly allows a small, if momentary, catharsis. (I loved “cave of wrapping paper btw - and of course “cave” worked as well, open sunlit entrance/deep dark depths). I did wonder why you left out inverted commas for the speech sections. On reflection though I think they are unnecessary from the point of view of meaning, but more important they would distract from the layout of the poem at crucial points, so I guess I prefer the status quo on that. What else? The second stanza, the pulling back to the subject again. “In the hall” says it all, another expert touch showing the apartness of the subject - she is looking on from a distance - her physical condition sets her apart in more ways than one portrayed evocatively by the image of her being present but not wholly so. And the line break, so very well chosen giving the hope of full inclusion for just a moment. Yes! she is there in her chair, only to be taken away from immediately with the poignant separation of the words “in the hall” on its own line. Excellent writing. I could go on like this for a while! Even the next two lines have underlying meaning. Why plaid? The bold crisscrosses of tartan picking up the word “cutting” in the next line maybe? The blanket covering - cutting out physical sight - but in doing so ironically simply giving emphasis to what is hidden and thereby also “cutting the mirth”. Great again! I liked the next line as well, the resonance of void with the theme and the other images especially, but the last two lines of that stanza contain my only real nit. On my first few readings I couldn’t get out of my head the suggestion of the penultimate line that the diseased legs are there - and yet there is a void and moreover the last line is explicit. There seems to be a small conflict here. Probably I’m missing something though. “White” again in the last stanza - contrasting with sepia - contrasting with the darkness of the situation - surface whiteness which rapidly gives way to the full force of the painfully poignant last line - which, as all great closures should, stays with the reader long after it’s read. You’ve done a very good job with this - I can suggest very little in the way of improvement (nothing actually!), but it’s been a helpful and rewarding experience to review it. Also, while I have your attention, just to say, that your own critiques on this forum are very well informed and constructed; I’ve learned a lot from them. Thank you. F [This message has been edited by furlong (edited 05-05-2001).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Jenni, Hi I'd like to start of by saying ..... WOW! I really loved the title of your poem, definitely grabbed my attention. and fitted in with the mood of the poem. You conveyed great images throughout the poem, especially these lines.............."She watched it all from her chair in the hall," almost as if she were seeing it all through a lens, like us the readers. though sad, you have penned a beautifully written poem in my opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed. I WILL be looking out for you Maree |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
jennie, I did like this poem very much, but i think it reads a little choppy, and in you places you used too many words, doubling the meaning. the subject is extremely intense, and the ending made me go....wow, such a tragedy, but the events leading to the finale could use a little fine tuning, However, all in all....a good job!! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
thanks, everyone, for your comments. this is a difficult piece for me to be really objective about (it's about my mom), so it really helps to hear others' reactions to it, what works and what doesn't. rox, i'm coming to agree with you about "festive"; i was trying for a sort of ironic effect, but i think it's unnecessary. furlong, with the blanket thing, i was trying to bring out the sense of this bizarre paradox, that her legs were even more conspicuously present in our minds by their absence, and by the fact that they were covered by this bright, cheery blanket. i think you picked up on that? zyell, i'm not sure what you meant by saying in places i was "doubling the meaning"? anyway, thanks again, everyone. jenni |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
jenni Yes I see. And yes I did pick up on that, and I guess it works well. Also I'm beginning to see what Rox (and you) mean about "festive", but I still like the SOUND of "festive plaid" too much to lose it. Still, as someone said somewhere else "it's your poem" , or something like that!See ya! F |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Jenni, like the rest of these good people, I think this is amazing. It's clear straight away that this was a real time and place, and the details give it reality and poignancy. The strength is in the holding-back -- like your family on the occasion itself, there is so much that this poem is not saying -- the reserve makes us feel the grief far more than if you put it all out there. After our discussion about "I remember" beginnings, I thought the title very cleverly prepared us for a poem about memory, without using the cliche. I think you are right when you say that you should avoid the directly ironic - like "festive" - that note of irony is already there, but a light touch seems more powerful. I think the last stanza is superb: We could give her nothing that year. She gave me a white sweater, and a memory The last line had clout, but I almost felt TOO much. "Hollow, haunted, brown,,," I truly believe that the less emotive adjectives the better in a poem like this. I don't want to mess with YOUR memory, but if I could make a feeble suggestion, something like: the look in her dark brown eyes. ??? Maybe I'm tinkering with perfection! And now I understand why you give such good advice!  Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it. If a man were to give the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised [This message has been edited by Joricho (edited 05-09-2001).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi jenni How are you? The style of your poem immediately caught me...it is very immediate...taking the reader right INTO it..which, in relation to your piece, works successfully. I don't have that many criticisms because, like Furlong - I like pretty much all of it. In fact - my primary criticism relates to the last line. I think it is a little redundant; overstated. The word haunting is too emotive. Your poem emits its sense of despair and failure without resorting to loaded words - that collapses in the last line... I'd end it at the word memory or maybe make it memories... Wonderful work jenni!  K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jenni, I'm sorry to be so slow in responding to this one. But it just hit almost too close to home. For that reason, I really can't critique. It was obviously well written, but then yours usually are. I can say without reservation that it made me stop and think and even brought a small tear to my eye. I guess that means it was successful, at least in my case. I think I am leaning toward Roxane on the last line. It does seem almost overdone. Anyway, it does not seem necessary. Everything needing to be said was already said before you got there. Excellent work. JMHO Pete |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Jenni, I have tried a few times to reply, but each time I have failed to click on the submit icon, so I shall refrain from critiquing to a great extent, other than to say I think the format should be more consistent.. the first stanza has 4 lines indented and the rest are all left align, which was ( to me anyway) a bit odd. The direct way you wrote this made it seem like you were talking to me personally, almost like a poetic letter to a close friend. Perhaps that is why I was left with a sense of loss, and feeling the need to reach out and console the writer. In that regard I shall just say, I am sure that one line in the poem is in need of changing because you were there. And that in and of itself was a gift. Your words are very moving. Well done, and thanks. Jamie "same last as you" There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Kurt Rhys Junior Member
since 2001-05-08
Posts 23 |
The free verse form of this poem is the perfect vehicle to carry the shattering realizations, which,I fear, rime would distract from. Must be painful to relive such a scene. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The title is fantastic; it almost makes the poem by itself (I looked up the word by the way and found that it worked in so many ways, I was shocked ). The irony is already there but I felt that you could have had a bit more foreshadowing here and there. As a result, I thought I'd play with this a bit -- it just seems a bit too linear to me.She sat in her chair that Christmas morning the festive plaid blanket spread on her lap [think you should go into more detail on the colors here] and we pretended nothing had happened, eager to cover the empty spaces. Everything was wonderful, just what we needed or a tired family joke at which we laughed, too hard; oh look, another beaded purse from Aunt Louise. [examine the colors again -- keep the sepia feel going] And the dog, we had a cocker spaniel then, --nice touch he tore into a cave of wrapping paper, --wrapping paper can be described more clearly wagging his stumpy little tail, look, we said, how cute. --nicely done She watched it all from her chair in the hall, the festive plaid blanket spread on her lap cutting the season’s mirth, over diseased legs lost to the surgeon’s saw. --I thought 'surgeon's saw' was too strong here. My instincts tell me that you should allude to the lack but not make it so clear: over diseased legs that should have been there --or something like that. We could give her nothing that year. --I don't like this line. Why not? I get the feeling you're just being abstract here rather than showing the uselessness of gift giving in such a situation. Maybe expand on this idea a bit more. She gave me a white sweater, and a memory her brown eyes, glazed. --Or something like that. I have no idea if any of these ideas will work but I thought the mood of the piece might be enhanced by some of them. I think you know me well enough to know my preference for understatement. Every once in a while you write a poem that somehow is never truly finished (or never truly abandoned as the saying goes). I wonder if this is one of those for you? Just an opinion, Brad |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
jenni and brad I can’t seem to keep away from this, and brad’s very helpful critique has enthused me again. I’m totally with you brad on the title, but of course I didn’t have to look it up  , and actually the other area I think your comments have particular merit is the surgeon’s saw line.I kind of like the abstraction of “we could give her nothing that year”. Somehow its simplicity and starkness seems to add power, and of course the closure is sacrosanct; that wonderful alliteration F |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
joricho, severn, pete, jamie, kurt, brad, furlong-- sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this, but thanks for giving the piece a read, your comments are greatly appreciated. i've been coming around to revising the last line (sorry, furlong, lol). i normally don't like alliteration, so i don't know where that line came from, although it seemed right at the time. i think i can do better, lol. exactly how, i don't know yet, lol, but i'll know it when i see it. brad, i'm not sure i like the idea of putting more colors in the piece, i consciously wanted there to be only white and brown, but i guess it's food for thought, anyway. including more foreshadowing is interesting, especially moving the blanket detail to the first stanza, i'll think about that, although i don't want to mess with the structure too much. i worked pretty hard to get each stanza roughly half as long as the preceding one as it goes along, cutting away until i was down to a single line, and i'd like to keep that, so it's not a simple matter of adding a few lines here or there, i don't think. but, again, it is something to consider. thanks again everyone, jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-17-2001).] |
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