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the hands of man
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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the hands of man |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
Rainy day no play outside, Rainbow forming in the sky, missing child no where in sight, mother crying wondering why, angels searching from dust till dawn, night time falls to demon's hand, search has ended child gone, everyone wondering, no one understands. |
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| © Copyright 2001 chas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
should i make the title the last line? "everyone wondering, no one understands, the hands of man." |
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Kurt Rhys Junior Member
since 2001-05-08
Posts 23 |
The imagery of your poem is just fine. Perhaps, however, you could pluralize "hand", and change the last line to read, "none who wonders understands", to stay within the meter. But I will admit that the forlorn vision your ending conjures is better than mine............just a thought. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
A very sad subject. Here are my suggestions: -"Rainy day no play outside" firstly reminded me of the line "No woman no cry" and secondly gave me the willies because I didn't feel like the syntax helped the poem. -In a poem with simple language like this things are going to get stretched and pulled out of porportion. Rainbow=Promise/end of troubles Not a criticism, just a note for your consideration. -is it "dust" on purpose, instead of dusk? If so I think I see the reference sort of. from dust to dust and from dusk till dawn morphed together? -Does the demon's hand "fall"/kill the night? or does it bring the night? If the second, then maybe use "by" instead of "to". -The last line didn't sound right when I read it. I think it may be to long. "everyone wondering, no one understands" Looking at your response is "hands of man" supposed to be on the ending also? It might just be my browser, but that line isn't showing up. -I think you need to put a more original twist on this very general story. It needs to be more specific and to say something new about the subject. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 05-08-2001).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Your syntax makes no sense to me except maybe to make the rhyme easier. The first line seems an attempt at some type of voice but then you seem to forget that you were trying for a 'voice' at all. The theme is far too general -- write about a specific incident and, to be honest, I'm not sure the supernatural elements really do the theme justice. Make it longer and drop the rhyme. I'm actually interested in what happened here but don't feel that you've given me enough yet. Just an opinion, Brad |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
sorry for the lack of info brad and kirt. the poem itself was suppose to describe " the hand or hands of man" most of the verse means nothing, ex. rainyday no play outside" the rainbow was there to add a twist, most would think a rainbow would bring good luck or gold, but the rainbow was added to get mixed emontions. the poem has nothing to do with the missing child or the crying of mom, it is about " the hand of man." angels searching symbolize that humans can have a kind and helping hand, while demon's hand symbolizes the evil that man can do, ex. kidnap a child.. if i added more lines, i myself would not like the poem, but i hope i cleared some things up. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I read your explanation and unfortunately I don't think it comes across in the poem. It seems like you are certainly focusing on the missing child. I mean...the mother crying has nothing do with hands..nor does everyone wondering... so really...the hands of man seems to refer to the damage a man has done to a child. If you want your message to be clear I think you have to develop this a lot more regardless of whether you like it short or not.  It has potential but, I think, needs some rewriting.  K |
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