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savior clone
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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savior clone |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
"savior clone" she longs to leave holds no faith in me faith once forsaken for me in gowns of floss so long ago only the wind remembers and whispers of the loss choosing our begotten no faults forsaken forgiveness is forgotten giving is not taken leaving love faded fervor forever fault forfeit faith vacuum vault killing vestigial vows marriage moments valued vignettes killing me with silence herself with cigarettes tangled in the talons of my rotting roots she thrashes thirsting for freedom from the foundation she smashes I am her savior clone for I cannot leave here alive yet I cannot leave her alone [This message has been edited by coyote (edited 05-07-2001).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
coyote- this is very powerful work here. i don't know if i can do it justice with a critique, but it seems like just telling you how wonderful it is won't do it justice either. so i'm going to try, making no promises. start with the title. intriguing to put it simply, but it also perfectly matches the tone of this poem. you've created an archetype of sorts, the savior clone. "she longs to leave holds no faith in me faith once forsaken for me in gowns of floss" i like the broken, longing feel your words have to them from the beginning. you make simple statements and put vague descriptions behind that to evoke a sort of muted emotion, one that makes every other emotion like it rush to its aide, a flood of feeling, but a sort of certainty that we haven't gotten to what it really is yet. "so long ago only the wind remembers and whispers of the loss" beautiful... simply beautiful. subtle rhyme from the former stanza really adds to your affect, being "remembered" in another stanza. "choosing our begotten no faults forsaken forgiveness is forgotten giving is not taken" i know, from the quality of the rest of this poem, that this is not forced rhyme, but it feels like it. plus the repetition of the word "forsaken." the "give, got, take, sake" thing is just too much here. as much as i love the rest of this poem, this stanza doesnt' work for me. "leaving love faded fervor forever fault forfeit faith vacuum vault" i like the rhyme better here. i don't know if the line "forfeit faith" is necessary. you've already said it, and it seems like the rhythm would be better suited to a four line stanza with the strong rhyming couplet at the end. it makes the point that you are making that much clearer. as you get more specific in the following lines, the stacatto rhyming couplet i think would be like the gun blast before a race. just my opinion. "killing vestigial vows marriage moments valued vignettes killing me with silence herself with cigarettes" i love the parallel here. this is another really great stanza. no crits. "tangled in the talons of my rotting roots she thrashes thirsting for freedom from the foundation she smashes" beautiful imagery here. it gives the reader a better, though still vague idea, of what your pain is. "I am her savior clone for I cannot leave here alive yet I cannot leave her alone" at the risk of repeating myself, i love this stanza too. i love the parallel construction. i love the rhyme. after reading this, i thought it would make a really good song, but i think it's poetic worth is also great. one of those things you feel when you read aloud, and one of those things you feel when you read it to yourself. i love the conclusion here. you can't get away. the pathos is tangible. the only minor suggestion i would make is maybe another stanza to add to the anticipation. keep it as vague as it is now, but maybe to align your reader more with the savior clone by giving the reader more to hold on to. excellent work. this is a truly exceptional poem. |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Wow! Thanks, Roxane. I'm still absorbing all your suggestions. As to the stanza that doesn't work for you, it does seem forced and stuttered, mixing the vowels and voices of the words throughout the wordplay, but I'll try to explain each line in more detail: choosing our begotten (choosing to believe events happened the way we have recreated them, rather than the way they actually transpired, with a marriage image attached) no faults forsaken (no quarter given when faults become blame, unlike the forsaking of faith) forgiveness is forgotten (a sort of liguistic implosion of the "forgive and forget" adage) giving is not taken (again a sort of reversal of the "taking and giving" theme) Essentially this stanza attempts a description of the "lock-up stage" of recurring argument, the kind that starts somewhere different each time, but always ends up in the same place eventually. An outline of the "faultline", where "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't". Again, I appreciate your comments and will try to smooth this out some more. Billy  "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Great work and powerful topic. Could describe an awful lot of relationships I know! I loved the lines: killing me with silence herself with cigarettes especially the suggestion that this situation is really destructive for the "saviour" as well as her. The one place I stumbled was over the word "talons" - doesn't quite seem to work with the imagery of roots. Thanks for putting this out there. Jo  |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey coyote-- i enjoyed this piece, especially the beginning and the end (especially, especially, the end, lol). i thought the alliteration kind of got in the way of things in the middle of the piece, but that may just be me (i've never been a really big fan of alliteration). nice job on this, coyote. thanks for posting it for us. jenni |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Thanks for reading, Jo. I appreciate your comments. Yes, the talons are sort of out of place with roots, yet the image is supposed to be that of a tomb or temple entwined with roots of restringent history, rather than roots of a tree. I felt the bird of prey picture through the talons, evokes a concept of crucified captivity from which there is little hope of escape. I'll have to work on that some, though it will be hard to find a sharp, yet abstract, "T" word that fits, without using thorns or something. |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Hey Jenni, As you can see from my reply to Jo, I'm looking for a "T" word, so alliteration is foremost in my mind at this juncture. lol Thanks for your input, I really appreciate you reading. Billy |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
coyote-- trimming "talons"? tsk, tsk. "talons" is terrific. try tangled in the "tendrils", "trunks" or "tendons". or test: trapped by the tongs twined in the tweezers trembling in the teeth of a towering triceratops .... totally tubular. ta-ta! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-08-2001).] |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
LoL, at Jenni. Now I see why alliteration isn't really your thing. But I've concluded it is not talons but the word tangled, which supercedes the image of a bird of prey with that of a tree. So I'm replacing "tangled" with "twitching". Thanks , Billy "The rose, like the cactus flower, protects herself with thorns. We however, impale ourselves on their beauty." |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
ahhh, yes! |
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