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who may you be?
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who may you be? |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
Who may you be? You torture and I forgive Who may you be? You argue and I reconcile And all you own, you are a gazelle grazing The first among thousands of eyes Why love and obey, who may you be? Who may you be to govern my fate? And why divert, for your eyes, my way? I submit to your command, wondrous, and you my captive Leaving me between suspicion and illusion Why love and obey, who may you be? How you vanquish me, beloved, yet are fragile How great the pains I endure from your desertion and tyranny Oh you, who ignore me, though you know Dear to me, yet your heart squanders Why love and obey, who may you be? Your heart never knew the taste of love Nor loved, adored or burnt by passion My life and death for you the same? Leaving me between suspicion and illusion Why love and obey, who may you be? If only, indulge me with a promise unkempt If only, false tears your eyes shed You, to me dear, my state you know Oh charm, in charm, all charm Why love and obey, who may you be? Who feels my torture, my yearning and tears Knows the heat of the fire in my heart Yet, to you, I reveal no submission Against your eyelashes and eyes steadfast Why love and obey, who may you be? |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Chas "you are a gazelle grazing The first among thousands of eyes" With the exception of the passage above this poem has very little solid imagery to grasp and hold a reader's attention. The repeated phrase I personally find simply annoying and the abstractions are overwhelming. It would be much more interesting to know about the "you" in the poem, and more about what has brought on this tortured diatribe - SHOW us the agony and anger don't simply TELL us. For a poem like this to work. You must make your readers feel something. Just my opinion of course. F |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I agree with furlong when he says "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" or whatever you want to show us. I would also like to add that the title was distracting, or maybe it was the repetition of the title in the work, but I think actually it was the combination of the two. I kind of like repetition for effect, but the problem with a title is that it can become the poems identity. Would we think of THe Raven the same if it was called Nevermore? Probably not. The title is somewhat unnecessary because the idea is repeated in the first two lines. The repetition reminded me of ALice in WOnderland's caterpillar "Who are you?" "Who are you?" and I had a hard time trying to stop thinking about the title and concentrate on THE REST of the meaning in the poem. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Ditto! This was terribly difficult to get through. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
this sounds like an exorcism, yes, you need to be more specific, the reader is baffled, at least I am. Kathleen Blake |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
???????? Chas...you left me haning here big guy.. some of this worked...but i was left wondering.. |
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