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Critical Analysis #1
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~DreamChild~
Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544
in your dreams

0 posted 2001-04-23 02:59 PM


Round and Round
You Go!
You Go!
Make the wind that steady blows.

Whoosh!
Whoosh!
Don't spin loose.
I'm sitting here below.

Yes,
Yes!
This breeze is best.
Put up my feet,
and take a rest.

A crack above,
Oh No!
Oh No!
One more crack,
and down she goes.

Ouch!
Ouch!
I've been knocked out!
I think I've lost a tooth!

No more breeze
to blow
and blow,
the ceiling fan spun loose!

dancing freely with the stars,
looking down upon streets and cars
from my world ,
a wonderful view.
i looked here,
and now found you!
        

© Copyright 2001 derrick gillum - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
1 posted 2001-04-23 04:30 PM


Funny poem.  Very much like Silverstien or Prelutsky.  Have you considered including an illustration to this poem?  Perhaps a child being shot off the page as they come loose from the fan? I think such an illustration would compliment this poem nicely.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2001-04-24 10:20 AM


Hi Dreamchild,

Welcome to CA. An ode to a ceiling fan, a nice start.

Please check your email for a welcoming message.

Pete

Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

3 posted 2001-04-24 06:25 PM


This is a nice post.  I like the style a lot.  My only suggestion is to perhaps use a consistent tense and make sure the wording in your explanatory lines read smoothly and without awkwardness.
anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-04-25 06:14 PM


very good first post...
and WELCOME 2 CA..hope u enjoy ur stay here
keep writing

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

williamthepoet
Junior Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 10

5 posted 2001-04-26 12:36 PM


i really liked the style; the repition seemed so natural and the poem really flowed well.

and welcome to ca

william

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