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Critical Analysis #1
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debits equal credits in silverplated dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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debits equal credits in silverplated dreams |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
IN the clutches of best intentions, swearing tomorrow is decisive, today, her dry mouth reaches for the same pattern. Inside she has become bizarre, a has been child star, performing in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” Euphoria, is the jailer of secrets, dictating how cells die, how rhyme loses it’s rhythm when it vanishes behind A crowd of two, too many pills. In a screen-play, of happier days, grief is not the villian, debits equal credits and silverplated dreams, rise above the pain. Life is an adventure |
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| © Copyright 2001 Zyell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
This poem reminds me of promising raw material inadequately processed. You have some images and thoughts in the piece which are both original and comprehensible which in itself is a great start. You also have a somewhat annoying format, a few phrases verging on cliche and way too many abstractions. These are jumbled together to produce a poem which promises something extremely good but falls way short of delivering. It’s worth persevering with this I think. To start with I’d ruthlessly chuck all the weak parts, retain single lines and phrases that are worthwhile, then start over by thinking through carefully the message you want to convey and writing a short synopsis. A major re-draft in other words. I’m out of time now, but I’ll try and get back later to note down the parts that I like - if you want me to that is! F |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
furlong.....well you socked it to me didn't you? ~G~ I appreciate your assessment, that's what I'm here for. Yes, I'd like you to expand the critique, by all means, if you have time! Z |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Personal idiosyncrasy: drop the center justification This has a lot of potential: In the clutches of best intentions, --Too vague, you need a stronger beginning line. Grab the reader swearing tomorrow is decisive, today, her dry mouth reaches for the same pattern. --try developing this without letting the reader in on the actual situation. Inside she has become bizarre, a has been child star, --this internal rhyme worked for me but I don't have the faintest idea why. Normally, it wouldn't here. performing in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” --I like the reference. Euphoria, is the jailer of secrets, --expand this but de-emphasize the cells dieing -- I think that it is too obvious. dictating how cells die, how rhyme loses it’s rhythm when it vanishes behind A crowd of two, too many pills. --too obvious and you've lost control. Explore the metaphors already present here. In a screen-play, of happier days, --Watch the commas. Why are they here? grief is not the villian, debits equal credits --I don't like the grief part but think you can explore the debits equal credits bit a lot more. and silverplated dreams, rise above the pain. --And the rest almost seems like you've become bored with your topic. You don't need to tell us what she should do. My guess is we already know it. Try to give us some sort of turn here, some surprise that makes me raise my eyebrow. A little more thought, a litte more work and this could be interesting. More details. Just an opinion, Brad |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Zyell thanks for the go ahead to look more closely. It seems however that Brad stole my thunder  , which is actually fine because I agree with almost all he said and moreover I'm still short of time. So thank you to Brad, and I'll try and have another run past this tomorrow. F |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
Brad: thank you very much, I agree with many of the things you said, and I will certainly take your advice into consideration on the re-work~! *S* Z Life is an adventure |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
furlong: I want to thank you for taking the time to read the poem, and the comments. I'm here to learn and hopfully improve my writing skills....all critiques and suggestions are welcomed. *S* Z Life is an adventure |
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