the heart of endless.......

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Critical Analysis #1

the heart of endless.......

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

0 posted 2001-04-17 04:29 PM

in this heart
of endless solitude
to depths of sadness
never has my heart
seen such grief so bottomless
as my heart dims
of this restless sorrow
in these days of distress
only to realize that to live
as days pass seems
to reflect my heart
to this life’s nothingness

nov.29

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-17-2001).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2001-04-17 06:50 PM

I liked the repetition of the "ess" and "s" sounds but I think I would consider moving the "ess"es away from the end of lines. I kept trying to read it so that they would rhyme but the rythym seemed wrong.

Also you could probably fit the same images and ideas into less lines/words by doing something like this (forgive me, I am going to do some cut-and-pasting):

Never has my dimming heart of endless solitude
seen a restless sorrow so bottomless
only to realize this lifes' daily passing nothingness.

Well, anyway. Good luck on your revisions.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

2 posted 2001-04-17 08:56 PM

I like Kirk's re-write better than your version sorry to say. Live and learn I guess.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-04-18 03:57 AM

thanks..marq i'm grateful for ur thoughts

yea...i didn't really write this to intend to make it rym but...yea i do need to revise it and i did write this poem this way was i wanted to show reader how i felt as i kept on repeating similar meanings of words...anyways thanks for the replys

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-18-2001).]

helen smith
Member

since 2001-03-12

Posts 240

4 posted 2001-04-18 06:34 AM

I like what is happening to your style Albert.......

Kicking Kim
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 426
Cloud Cucko Land!

5 posted 2001-04-18 12:01 PM

"Of endless solitude
to depths of sadness"

I really liked this one, its very deep and meaningful! I know that you want criticism but I cannot find any, this is truly brilliant and I am very jealous! lol!

^*~Kicking Kim~*^

"Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression"

[This message has been edited by Kicking Kim (edited 04-18-2001).]

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