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Love me in the Light..a villanelle
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Love me in the Light..a villanelle |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Love me in the Light Do not love me in just the night But love me by the light of day If our love is true, it can live in the light If your words are true and your heart is right Your love of me will not decay Do not love me in just the night I promise to stand beside you until our lives twilight Our love will keep the wolves at bay If our love is true, it can live in the light The love we share will bring us great delight My love for you will never let me be led astray Do not love me in just the night Our dreams and fantasies will forever be in sight A bed of roses will be our daily bouquet If our love is true, it can live in the light My love of you, your love will incite I will love you forever and a day Do not love me in just the night If our love is true, it can live in the light |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
-I liked the basic idea of this poem, but for it to be truly effective the idea is going to have to be presented in a more original way -This sounded a little too much like Dylan Thomas' poem "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night" -I would replace the cliches: "holding the wolves at bay" being led astray bed of roses i'll love you forever and a day Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
alan-- i don't know much (if anything) about villanelles, although i know the structure involves repeating lines from the first stanza in some sort of order, and you seem to have done that here. the meter seems kind of awkward throughout the whole piece, and i don't know if that's some special villanelle thing that's supposed to be that way, or not. my guess is it isn't. the first line of the third stanza, the second line of the fourth stanza, and the first line of the fifth stanza stood out especially in this regard. i don't know if a villanelle is supposed to have a particular metrical pattern, like a sonnet's iambic pentameter, so i'm sorry i can't be of much help. the message is very nice, though the piece does seem like one cliche after another. still, kudos to you for even trying to write a villanelle, lol, you did much better than i could have, i can tell ya that, lol. thanks for posting this here, jenni |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Thank you both for your input. As for it sounding like Dylan's poem it should. I used the same basic pattern and changed the words to suit me. As far as I know it is supposed to be the best one written. I plan on trying another soon. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
copying the classics is helpful in learning, but originality cannot be bought. I would develop YOUR style and make it shine! Yes, Jenni, all metrical poems should have a pattern, sometimes mixing the trochee with the iambic meter, but scanning is helpful when writing, it's absolutely essential to learn good versification. With it, you can write 1000 poems with different ideas and make them work. I love this form. It's worth the study and worth your own signature don't you think? Kathleen Blake "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 04-16-2001).] |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Irish Rose....is this style supposed to have a count or anything. I copied this one to get to understand the style...the next one will be all mine...I enjoy it to much to not try it again ...thank you for your input |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
well, of course all metrical poems should have a pattern, the question i had was, what particular pattern does a villanelle have? iambic pentameter, as it turns out (i looked it up). ok. as i see it, alan, you have only one line of iambic pentameter in the whole piece, the first line of the 4th tercet ("the love we share will bring us great delight"). the other lines have mostly four feet, some have six, most seem to have a mixture of iambs, trochees and anapests, a little bit of everything. compare thomas' lines, e.g.: do NOT go GEN-tle IN-to (THAT) good NIGHT [five iambic feet] with yours, e.g.: DO not LOVE me in JUST the NIGHT [or] do NOT LOVE me in JUST the NIGHT [four feet, two trochees followed by two iambs, or iamb/trochee/iamb/iamb; i guess you could put the stress on 'me' instead of 'love', but that doesn't sound natural to me here, and anyway you'd still only have four feet] and i think you'll see the difference. thomas varies from strict iambic pentameter in a lot of the lines in "do not go gentle...", but his metrical variations give emphasis to certain words, punctuating the poem's meaning, and don't disturb the overall flow, and his lines anyway are always five metrical feet. (i think, in your piece, it's the uneven number of feet from line to line that make it seem awkward in a few places.) i guess you could break the mold and say to heck with iambic pentameter, MY villanelle will have its own unique meter, lol, iambic tetrameter, say, or whatever... in that case, though, i think it'd be a more effective piece if it was applied uniformly throughout. ok, sorry, i'll shut up now.  jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 04-17-2001).] |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Alan I guess what Irish R was trying to say was that a grasp of the fundamentals of versification is preferable before you start playing around with daring variations to the "historical norm" (whatever that might be). But jenni gave great advice when she said: "thomas varies from strict iambic pentameter in a lot of the lines in "do not go gentle...", but his metrical variations give emphasis to certain words, punctuating the poem's meaning," Generally I believe you should depart from a metrical pattern for a carefully thought out reason, and, as jenni implies, Thomas emphasised the words "Rage rage......", for instance, by using repetition and a departure from iambs. There are of course an infinite number of possibilities for constructive originality, which is one of the things that makes poetry so exciting doncha think? F |
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Alan Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499right next door |
Jenne.....Thank you ...the spot that I found the poem in did not have all that info...I will do better the next time Furlong....It also makes poetry a pain in the butt...con't ya think? Thank you for your input. |
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