child of tomorow(im new at this please review???)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

rage
New Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 3

0 posted 2001-04-05 07:38 PM

Child of tomorow
the pain you shall endure
as you search
for a cure
to what we have left behind
as the world slowly dies
the sky will seem to fall
but you must stand tall
and heed her call
the dreams for peace will have died and faded away
you must one day
again show them they way
through restoration of the mother
and a equal appreciation
of your sisters and your brothers
but you must always remember
to guard her with a strong hand
never again let her from your heart
they will try like a theif in the night
with phony tears
they will cry of fake fears
remeber the lessons of years gone by
show them no trust
no matter how hard they try
you must never again let them take the land
continue your stand

bbent
Senior Member

since 2001-01-07

Posts 521
Alaska

1 posted 2001-04-09 10:37 PM

I liked this...sadly prophetic yet with a hint of optimism.I think you did a fine job and should keep doing just what you'r doing.
Peace...rage.

Live like it's your last day...
Dance like nobody's watching...
Love like you've never been hurt...

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

2 posted 2001-04-09 11:31 PM

hi
the best way for me to critique your poem is to look at it a little bit at a time, so please bear with me.
Child of tomorow
the pain you shall endure
as you search
for a cure
to what we have left behind
as the world slowly dies
the sky will seem to fall
but you must stand tall
and heed her call

i can't decide whether i like the ambiguity of this section.  what will this child be facing?  disease?  pollution?  hate?  all of the world's problems?

the dreams for peace will have died and faded away
you must one day
again show them they way
through restoration of the mother
and a equal appreciation
of your sisters and your brothers
but you must always remember
to guard her with a strong hand
never again let her from your heart

who is the "mother"?  if it's a religious thing, there's no way i'd know and probably everyone else does, in that case forget, but otherwise, i think it could be clearer.  i don't really understand what you mean by "guide her with a strong hand."  aren't mothers the ones that do the guiding in the sense that if she is your mother, you are her child?  i don't know.  like i said, if this has anything to do with religion, i wouldn't know anything about it.

they will try like a theif in the night
with phony tears
they will cry of fake fears

who is they?  and i like the part about "phony tears" and "fake fears" but i don't like the "thief in the night" expression because it's used a lot.  there has to be more original way to say what you mean to say here.

remeber the lessons of years gone by
show them no trust
no matter how hard they try
you must never again let them take the land
continue your stand

this is the part that i really don't understand.  if you're bringing together brothers and sisters, don't you HAVE to show them trust?  i think the main thing that would help this poem is to clarify a lot of the pronouns in here.  overall, i think i'm getting a really good message, one i think is very important, and obviously it means a lot to you as well.  normally i don't think this, but in your case, i think if you focused more on what you want to say than what you feel, this poem would have a lot more meaning.  good luck.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-04-10 10:16 AM

Hi Rage,

Sorry I'm late but now I see you already got a pretty meaningful critique from Roxane and she knows a whole lot more about this kind of stuff than I do. So, I'll just say, welcome to the Critical Analysis forum. Check your email for a message.

Welcome,

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

4 posted 2001-04-10 12:20 PM

rage--

i agree with almost everything rox said above. good rap lyrics, i guess, but it needs to be more particular to make it as a poem standing on its own (actually, it'd probably be a better rap song, too, lol).

keep writing! thanks for posting this here.

jenni

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

5 posted 2001-04-12 05:42 PM

Hello

I read your poem and I think the topic is important and meaningful. I do find some lines a littel tired like "theives in the night". I think a more indepeth exploration of the ideas with more evocative emotionally charged.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

6 posted 2001-04-13 11:07 AM

Hi and welcome, rage,

This seemed to have a lot of potential. I agree with the others: you got the emotion across, but we readers (IMHO) need a bit more clarification as to what you're so worked up about. It's a little vague right now. Maybe if you give more specifics instead of generalizations, the meaning would be clearer. If you keep the emotion and work on the delivery, this could be really neat. Hope that helps. Thank you for sharing, and, don't worry, I'm sure you'll find that you can never please everyone around here - some poems you think will get great reviews don't and some that you think will get terrible reviews get great ones - although hopefully you can learn a bit along the way. Please do share any changes you make to this.

Ashley

rage
New Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 3

7 posted 2001-04-17 02:43 PM

Hello all thank you for the review of my poem.I answered your questions and am hoping for some help in improving this poem as well as my style.anyway here it goes

Child of tomorow
the pain you shall endure
as you search
for a cure
to what we have left behind
as the world slowly dies
the sky will seem to fall
but you must stand tall
and heed her call

i can't decide whether i like the ambiguity of this section.  what will this child be facing?  disease?  pollution?  hate?  all of the world's problems?
the child in this poem represents the generations of childern that will inherit the earth and all of it's problems so i guess the child is facing all of these.I am native american
and our belief is we actually borrow the earth from our children and anything we do affects the next seven generations.We also believe we are not only responsabile for the fate of the next 7 but fixing the undone problems of the seven that just passed

the dreams for peace will have died and faded away
you must one day
again show them they way
through restoration of the mother
and a equal appreciation
of your sisters and your brothers
but you must always remember
to guard her with a strong hand
never again let her from your heart

who is the "mother"?  if it's a religious thing, there's no way i'd know and probably everyone else does, in that case forget, but otherwise, i think it could be clearer.  i don't really understand what you mean by "guide her with a strong hand."  aren't mothers the ones that do the guiding in the sense that if she is your mother, you are her child?  i don't know.  like i said, if this has anything to do with religion, i wouldn't know anything about it.

i am not sure I would call it a religous thing although my heraitage and spirituality obviously had influence on the writing of this.the mother kind of represents the planet"mother earth" generaly mothers are the ones who do the guiding,but in the case of this one she is refered to as "mother "because of her role in providing life and
we are responsabile as the receivers of the life she provides,for protecting and caring for her hence"guide her with a strong hand"

they will try like a theif in the night
with phony tears
they will cry of fake fears

I was realy blind on this and just flowing ,I guess they would be the corporations/politicians that so many believe care more about profit ten the future and/or the planet.I know theif in the night is lame but I was realy at a loss here/any ideas?

remeber the lessons of years gone by
show them no trust
no matter how hard they try
you must never again let them take the land
continue your stand

this is the part that i really don't understand.  if you're bringing together brothers and sisters, don't you HAVE to show them trust?  i think the main thing that would help this poem is to clarify a lot of the pronouns in here.  overall, i think i'm getting a really good message, one i think is very important, and obviously it means a lot to you as well.  normally i don't think this, but in your case, i think if you focused more on what you want to say than what you feel, this poem would have a lot more meaning.  good luck.

the bringing together of brothers and sisters was in a sense speaking of all the conflict among people today in the world.showing them no trust i think was again refering to those that seem to care more about money and power .As I said I just wrote this I dont know where it all came from but it came out.I think my heritage and spirituality did have some influence but it was not meant to be a religous poem.Anyway I am definately looking for suggestions on improving this and learning to clearify what I am trying to say

thanks again for your reviews
Rage

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.