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allis4angel
Member
since 2001-04-10
Posts 82
Portugal

0 posted 2001-04-13 04:53 PM


Give me you phone number
And turn it off
So I can hear your voice
In the tape recorder

Tell me where you live
And let the lights on
So I can go there
And see you walking around

Give me your car keys
I will wash it and put some gas
So I can touch
The things you touch

Leave me your dirty clothes
And I will send them to wash
So I can feel and smell
The things you dress

That’s all I’m asking for


© Copyright 2001 allis4angel - All Rights Reserved
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
1 posted 2001-04-13 11:06 PM


allis-
okay, parts of this poem i really like.  the first stanza is great.  it really makes the reader give her attention to the matter at hand.  you are juxtaposing two very different states of mind here.  the reader will first think you are forceful "GIVE me your phone number" but the next three lines show how vulnerable and pathetic the narrator is.  i like that.

Give me you phone number
And turn it off
So I can hear your voice
In the tape recorder

okay, this next stanza is a little bit creepy.  we don't get the same unrequited love, admiring from afar thing as the first stanza.  i believe this next stanza is actually a perfectly accurate description of stalking. again we have the forceful "TELL ME where you live" but it doesn't turn into wistful innocent longing, because you make another demand of her, and then it just becomes creepy.  the thing that really makes your first stanza is the feeling that if she would do something very small for you to admire her, you'd do so quietly, far away, it's almost as if you're not worthy to hear her real voice.  the next stanza asks a lot.  too much, i think.

Tell me where you live
And let the lights on
So I can go there
And see you walking around

i like the idea of "so i can touch the things you touch" but the car thing isn't really following the same romantic theme.  we have voices, and images, and then a car.  i think you should either be more playful with this stanza or choose a more sensual object than a car.

Give me your car keys
I will wash it and put some gas
So I can touch
The things you touch

dirty clothes, i don't know.  seems a little too sexual for the chaste feel of the rest of this poem.  think about it.

Leave me your dirty clothes
And I will send them to wash
So I can feel and smell
The things you dress

one line, very good.  very dramatic, and yet very simple as well.

That’s all I’m asking for


all in all, good poem.  keep it up.

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
2 posted 2001-04-14 02:50 PM


I like the idea here.  These are my suggestions:
I'm afraid that I too thought 'stalker' when I got to the second stanza.  HOWEVER, while it is creepy, I think at the same time it is honest.  The last 3 stanzas may be more authentic than the first.  What I mean is that people, well-meaning non-sociopathic people who truly fall in love may behave this way.  Spying is a little too much, BUT the speaker in this poem is not necessarily doing these things, but rather imagining doing them.  Who hasn't wished they could watch the one they love?  HOWEVER, I have to say that if this poem makes it past the day-dreaming phase charges may be pressed! ha ha.
Like roxane I also got the feeling that the speaker felt inferior to the person whom he longs for.  I thought of 2 things: 1)Okay, this is a stalker because the other person is superior, famous, etc.  2)Maybe the speaker does not feel inferior, but rather is willing to humble themself for true love.  I think this poem will be better received by most readers if you somehow shift toward the humble lover who is waiting to be discoverd (see Magellen by jenni) rather than the creepy peepingtom.  Here are some suggestions on how you might be able to lose the stalker-like nature of the speaker:
-like roxannne said lose the word "dirty" I think laundry itself is fine thought
-replace the hard metal car imagery with something soft like picking out fruit or something (by the way, fueling the car seems to have phallic symbolism going on--the nozzle is inserted into the tank)
-this poem has a good balance of "you give me this so I can do this for you" You lose this with the last line.  I think the speaker could ask what the other person would like

Typos/Syntax/Word-Choice:
-some typos made this difficult to read
-"turn it off" doesn't seem to work just right, you might try "don't pick up"
-"put in some gas" doesn't quite work either
-"send them to wash" might consider "send them to the wash"
-"the things you dress" might need to be "the thing you wear" or "the things you dress in"

I hope my suggestions are helpful.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2001-04-15 07:57 PM


This is sick. In that sense, I guess this poem works -- I was repelled by the character, "Use me and I'll use you" for my own fetishistic delights. I wonder if you might lengthen this and show us the response and the consequences of such a request.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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