I will always say "she" - pipTalk Forums

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allis4angel
Member

since 2001-04-10

Posts 82
Portugal

0 posted 2001-04-10 06:26 PM

You’ll never know
It’s you I’m talking to
I will always say “she”
My love for you
Is rare and true
But it will never be for you

I can’t trust you my love
So you can’t hurt me
I will always say “she”
And you will know
It’s a true love
But it will never be for you

I can let you read and hear
All the poems and songs
I will always say “she”
So I can look into your eyes
And tell you how much I love her
She always will be you

You may hug me and dry my tears
Every time she hurts me
I will always say “she”
So I can be close to you
My love will never be yours
But she always will be you

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2001-04-10 10:21 PM

I think I get the idea: the speaker writes poetry but refers to the muse as "she" so that the real person can read the poems and not know it is about her. The speaker can share his heartaches and feelings with the person he loves or who is hurting him without them realizing he is in love with them. Interesting concept. Here are my suggestions: I would use a standard rhyme pattern for each stanza or drop the rhyming altogether. Also, I would use more specific imagery. As it is, I get the concept, but I don't see, hear, taste, touch, etc. anything.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-04-11 11:30 AM

Hi Allis4angel,

Welcome to CA. It's good to hear a new voice. I don't have anything to add about your poem at this time but I'm sure you will get other comments.

Check your email for a special message.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2001-04-12 02:56 PM

allis4angel--

i really like the idea in this piece, and thought the repetition of "i'll always say 'she'" worked very well.  i especially liked the third stanza, the idea of the girl not knowing the guy's poems are for her.  very poignant.

i think the piece would be much more effective, however, if you particularized it more, including both more physical details and interesting imagery.  i agree with kirk here; make the reader see, hear, feel, taste the experience.  it doesn't have to be anything really elaborate.  where is the speaker when he is singing the songs or reading the poems to the girl?  what are the girl's eyes like, what do they make you think of when she's looking at you and listening to you say you love her, only she doesn't know you mean her?  make the reader part of the entire experience.

i'd try to stay away from cliched phrases like "hug me and dry my tears," for example; while there's nothing wrong with being simple and heartfelt, i think there are more interesting ways to express this.

i agree with kirk, too, about either having a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, or scrapping it altogether.

anyway, this was a great start, i'd love to read a revision of this.  thanks for posting it here!

jenni

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