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7
Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA

0 posted 2001-03-14 02:03 PM

i never wrote you a love poem
my words for you are shy
they hide behind my sealed lips
where trembling i-love-you's lie

but when lips meet the love escapes
like smoke caught in your breath
igniting your quicker, clever voice
with the words i should have said

so never doubt that my words exist
lying dormant in my throat
unspoken, unwritten, but living between us
born with the first kiss we wrote

My questions:

1) "with the words i should have said" - could? would? or keep the same?
2) The last sentence sounds awkward to me. My poems always rhyme but I hate when it sounds like I chose a certain word only because it rhymes. That's what it sounds like, because something in the present tense would make much more sense, but "wrote" rhymes with "throat" so it seemed like a huge opportunity. What do you think?
3) and a mechanical question: i-love-yous or i-love-you's? either way it seems strange.

Thanks!
7

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

1 posted 2001-03-17 11:01 PM

I think you can answer your own questions. When you feel right about what you've written then you know the poem is finished.

I personally would never start a poem with 'I never'. Good luck!

7
Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA

2 posted 2001-03-18 10:47 AM

interesting... why wouldn't you start a poem with "i never"? grammatical reasons or thematic?

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-03-19 01:02 PM

Hello 7,

I don't believe I have seen your name in CA before although I see that you have been around for a while. It's good to hear another voice, so welcome and hope you have fun here.

You asked three specific questions but we are an independent and unpredictable bunch in here. You may or may not get the answers you requested and you may or may not get others. In this case you probably get some of both but not all of either.

Q1) Well, it depends on what you are trying to say. Check your dictionary. The suggested words all have different meanings. Any might be appropriate so choose the one which you think fits best.

Q2) The next to last line sounds awkward to me, not necessarily the whole sentence. It seems to have too many syllables and maybe too many commas.

Q3) Both look suspect. I don't believe the apostrophe could be right but I would personally try for other wording. I don't think there is any way you can make that choice look or sound right.

As a bonus, you have rhymed the first and last stanzas well. But breath and said just don't even come close. That stands out like the proverbial sore thumb. I suggest finding a better rhyme there.

Also, rhymed poetry usually works best when it has a fairly consistent meter. Not necessarily constant but just consistent. Yours has a good feel until the last two lines. It seems that both of them may have too many syllables or words, making them sound (or feel) awkward. That may be why you question the last sentence in the first place.

Thanks for the read,

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

BTW, I don't see any reason not to start with "I never"

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-19-2001).]

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