»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Words Past, and Futures Penned
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Words Past, and Futures Penned |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
I enter, melancholy, to this place That once had held much merriment and charm, Such wistfulness you'd see upon this face, When words of past relive, and so disarm. Yes, those who penned them have gone on their way, To different places, roles; time knows no end, So few of them remain, though all will stay A part of me, for I yet call them friend. I know that nothing's constant or the same, And I accept that fact with sadness now, I walk halls, newly sparse, from whence I came, With no one at my side, I wonder how. These memories, in hope, they hold me here, For someday soon, more words may be so dear. Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-12-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, I am always amazed at your ability to stir deep emotion with simple words. This one was no exception. I did have to read it a few times to get the full impact but the smooth flow made that reading a pleasure. I do hope that the empty place you refer to is not Passions and the recent lack of activity here in CA though. No, I get the feeling this poem has deeper meaning than that. For a self-proclaimed free verser, you do have a way with meter and with sonnets in particular. But I have a couple of small suggestions which I think would make this already enjoyable sonnet just a bit better. In line 1, how about commas around melancholy just to help the reader get the intent. At least on second reading it turns out to be parenthetical. In L6 I think the colon should properly be a semicolon. Alternatively you might even consider the long dash there. I like to use those things, at least when Trevor isn't looking. But then, the comma at the end is probably wrong. Something a bit stronger seems appropriate. You might consider a period, or even another of those long dashes  Then the word use in L8 is a little misleading. "I did call them friends" is not everyday speaking except in a very specific context, where did is to be emphasized. I don't think that is what you want here and even if it is then it sort of fouls the meter. What do you think of "I had called them friend" instead? Also, I believe you can properly use friend instead of freinds to pose the same meaning and make the rhyme perfect. Finally in L12 the semicolon seems wrong. I want to read it as a comma. I do suspect you wanted a longer pause there but I don't thenk the semicolon is right. Gosh, since our buddy Trevor doesn't seem to be looking, I would probably use the dots. Well, thanks for giving me the chance to slice and dice and for another lovely sonnet. Keep them coming. You may become a classical convert yet Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein Oops, I forgot to say that this is all JMHO. Take from it what you like, if any, and ignore the rest. You won't hurt my feelings. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-12-2001).] |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Your humble opinion means very much to me, and I always take your advice to heart, as I know it is dealt in only the most thoughtful way.  The colon was a typo...s'posed to be a semi-colon. The other suggestions that you made were good ones, and I edited a bit. Instead of "did", however, I used "yet". Do you think that's OK? Thank you for such a detailed critique. I do love to write a sonnet once in a while...but, sorry, I will forever be a free-verser at heart (I just can't seem to write anything free verse lately). Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-12-2001).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, I think yet is an excellent choice. Wonderful sonnet here my friend. At some point would you consider giving us your interpretation? What is "the place?" I think that is an interesting avenue of investigation. Pete |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
