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A Portrait
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Portrait |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Like cashmere, her smile is… like velvet, her voice is… like sunshine spilled through autumn leaves caressing the universe in epochs of forever; ricocheting off of places in my mind to which I'm still to go; she is the silence of my noise, whose heart though still unfurled reverberates like thunder in my valley! She is way beyond compare. |
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| © Copyright 2001 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Yeshujah, I especially liked the first few lines... Like cashmere, her smile is… like velvet, her voice is… like sunshine spilled through autumn leaves caressing the universe in epochs of forever; The imagery was delightful here, and the words seemed to flow like a stream. I liked the dance of metaphor connections at the beginning. these lines can be coupled together in several different ways. poetically this created almost an optical illusion effect, like looking at a ceiling fan and watching it go backwards for a moment, then forward, then ... Well anyway, I thought it was inventive. The next few lines (2nd half) didn't do so much for me. Coherency of thought seemed to diminish. But I know you were going for an enigmatic style to express how amazing "she" is. If I knew the subjective, maybe I would have no "objections" to this. Overall a good poem. Too tired right now to say what I would do to change it, but the last few lines would be my target. Stephen. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Stephen, thank you for reading the poem. I agree with your observation. This needs some work. I actually wrote it while driving..just sort of wanted to put it down before it left me. Glad you found a few verses to your liking. I appreciate your response. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Yeshujah, I really liked the poem, the imagery is stunning. Just one minor tweek, it is kind of vague as to what you are saying is "like sunshine spilled through etc...". Is it just her in general or one of the afore mentioned voice and smile? Possibly a little clarification would help express the idea better. JMHO. Great poem. JLH Jason |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
YeshuJah, Hi there. Neat poem. I, too, liked the first half best, but the whole thing (as is all of your work, from what I've read) was unique and thought-proking. Some suggestions I thought of (and you're free to disregard them).... "in epochs of forever;" (sounded a little exaggerated or over the top to me) "ricocheting off of places in my mind" (maybe take out the "of" to improve flow? or change "places" to "corners of" or something less generic?) "to which I'm still to go;" (can you put this in less rational type language?) "she is the silence of my noise," "whose heart though still unfurled" (sounds sort of as if "whose" refers to "my noise, but paradoxes / contrasts are cool with me) "reverberates like thunder in my valley!" (again, a bit over the top, IMHO) "She is way beyond compare." (maybe take out the "way" - I know it's strange, but it reminds me of a surder bum, as in, "way cool, man.") Please do post any re-writes you might make. This could turn into something very moving and powerful, I think, if you continue the imagery and poigniancy of the first half. I'll look forward to reading more. I especially loved this: "like sunshine spilled through autumn leaves". Wow, who would have thought of sunlight spilling? How fascinating! Ashley [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 04-03-2001).] |
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