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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Pickering8 Junior Member
since 2000-12-12
Posts 10Redlands California |
Untitled I sit with the fire as my only light, It is my protection against the dark night, I look out the window to only see the snowy white, I’m looking for you to come to me tonight. I wish you were here, So I could whisper in your ear, And try to make those tears disappear, God, how I want to hold you my dear. I wonder if I’ll ever get to hold you, Some say not as long as the sky is blue, And some times, I think so too, While all along I kinda already knew. But, then I hear you at my door, My heart nearly hits the floor, Then my heart rate begins to soar, Will you be mine forever more? We then lock in a sweet embrace, I can’t help but stare into your beautiful face, I become lost in all your grace, All my fears begin to erase. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Thomas Pickering - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Ok, first off, Id like to say I like the theory behind the poem, its something that I can relate to very well. And now to the critique. I dont realy have much to say. The rhyming seems a bit forced, especialy in the rhyming of entire stanzas. The only other thing that I can think of is that some of the imagry is cliche (sp). But other than that I thought it was a wonderful poem. Keith every day is a new day with which we can change the world |
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POETIC THUG Junior Member
since 2001-03-08
Posts 42HOUSTON TEXAS BABY |
I THINK IT WAS A VERY GOOD POEM I DONT KNOW IF YOU HAVE READ THA ONE I POSTED EARLIER"DEEP INSIDE". I THINK WE WERE GOING 2 THA SAME SORT OF THING. TELL ME WHAT U THINK. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Pickering8, I don't think I have seen your name here in CA before. Welcome to the forum. It's always good to hear a new voice. Check your email for a welcoming message. As you might have guessed, our main function in this forum is posting poems for critique. So here are a few of my observations on this one. First off, it seems that you have let the rhyme get in the way of the message. Rhyming can be difficult in the English language anyway. Where you are requiring all four lines of each stanza to rhyme, it becomes even more so. There are places where you seem to have forced the wording of the line in order to arrive at the chosen last word, called forced rhyme. For example: quote: both the second and third lines seem forced to me. The problem is that a forced line seems out of place, sometimes even trite or silly when taken in the overall context. Also, as Wesley suggested, some lines are a bit cliched or overused, such as, quote: where "long as the sky is blue" just seems way too common. Try to find another analogy. Then the next stanza, quote: "My heart nearly hits the floor" sounds forced. I understand what it alludes to but it doesn't come off like I would like it to. The next line leaves a similar impression. Now don't get me wrong, I like what you are trying to say but I just think it needs a lot more work. I have often been accused of writing what some might call "sappy love poetry" but I steadfastly maintain my right to do so. I also stand up for your right. I guess my main suggestions summarize to 1) ease the rhyme scheme a bit, maybe every other line, abab or even abcb. Be careful of cliches. Read it to yourself after a couple of days to see how it sounds then post the revised version. Of course, this is all just my opinion and may be entirely wrong. Thanks and I hope to see much more of your work. This forum needs more romantics. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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