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internet love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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internet love |
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rottyguy New Member
since 2001-03-04
Posts 6
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c'mere u how odd a medium to coalesce a chance encounter while weightlessness bemusing time with just our minds entwined our lives, our appartion's blind. c'mere u our wayward dances through this space the lines of custom we've erased intoxicating chatter's bliss but alas the physical, i confess to miss. c'mere u ur touch, ur smell, ur slight of way engulfs my thoughts betwixt the day and to these scenes of you i keep in dreams revived, my forlorn sleep. c'mere u but soon my love we will have met in due short time our rings complete a time befitting in season's spring when love for two reborns again. c'mere u |
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| © Copyright 2001 matthew nguyen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
purely 21st century contemporary poetry dealing with an issue some will very much identify with... no critique here... sorry... love it like it is welcome to the blue pages... c'mere u lol |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Glad I didn't miss this.. I like your style, and I don't see any changes I would make. Will be looking for more of your poems. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi rottyguy: *grins at the name* Welcome to CA -- what a marvelous first post!  First off – I wonder if you realize what an accomplishment it is to impress our own Ms. Peri quite as you did? Talk about coming in with a bang ... I enjoyed this as well, and as critique I have only a few little aesthetic tidbits to offer, and one question to ask. "a chance encounter while weightlessness" I wonder what made you choose the noun (weightlessness) rather than the adjective (weightless) here. It is technically incorrect as is from a grammar standpoint, though I can see it squeaking by on the merit of smoother rhythm is you plead poetic license.  "intoxicating chatter's bliss but alas the physical, i confess to miss." This is personal preference, but I avoid contractions in poetry when possible. Something about reading it out loud and not being able to "hear" the apostrophe ... therefore possibly assuming the plural rather than the contraction in this case. I also think you could do without the "but alas" here ... doesn't sit well with the more modern diction of the rest. touch, ur smell, ur slight of way" Good line, but I just don't like the abbreviated "your" – though I realize it is appropriate to the subject of internet relationships and chat. Perhaps it rubbed me wrong because it was your only use of "chat speak" other than the "c'mere u" motif (which I thought was very original). "but soon my love we will have met" "Will have met" is awkward here ... I would suggest that you rewrite the line to end with "meet" instead. Not only do I think it will flow a bit better, but it also coincidentally rhymes with "complete."  Hoping to see more from you ... thank you for the read! Linda |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Rottyguy, Whew, what a name. Sorry I'm so late but Welcome to CA anyway. Guess I must have been sleeping the last day or so and just failed to say welcome. Check your email for a welcome message. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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rottyguy New Member
since 2001-03-04
Posts 6 |
thanks for the kind words everyone. it's been quite some time since i've penned anything much less an appreciable something it's just i've been smitten as of late so this poem was more compelling then anything. i do enjoy this site immensely and find myself drawn to it more then i thought i would be. there is much talent here. linda: thank you for the critique. i agree with you on all accounts. having never been schooled in formal writing (aside from the requesite courses in hs & college many moons ago), i end up drawing upon things that i like and jumbling them altogether. i love rythm/rhyme/cadence. i love old writings (thee/thou/art) and with this piece, i wanted some "internet" lingo involved (especially since i use them quite regularly). i suspect discipline will come as i continue to pursue this craft. many thanks for making a newcommer feel at home |
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rottyguy New Member
since 2001-03-04
Posts 6 |
linda: btw, i do plead poetic licenses But could youth last and love still breed, Had joys no date nor age no need... -- Sir Walter Raleigh |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I have a few more minutes so I'll have a go at this one, although just a small one. For once, I find that I must disagree with Linda. Poetic license or no, I don't think you can get away with using a noun in place of an adjective. I assume you want the "while weightlessness" line to rhyme and I agree you need the syllables for the rhythm. Why not try "with weightlessness" instead? Or is that what you really meant anyway. To me it works much better. Looks like the context demands some punctuation after entwined in line 4 so it doesn't run on into lives. I also think you can get by with some contractions where really needed. After all, this is not th 19th century anymore. ~quickly ducking the dagger of Linda's harsh look~ But I think "we erase" would look better as well as rhyme better than "we've erased" while still maintaining the intent. The third stanza needs a comma after line 3 to be grammatically correct although that's pretty minor. Finally, the line "when love for two reborns again." doesn't work. I don't think reborns is a word. Looks like you wanted to say is reborn but that broke the rhythm. Well, I don't think it worked. Also, you might find a better last word that again. Your rhyming has been good (with the changes suggested) until then but again is a bit too far off from rhyming with spring, IMHO. Well, like Linda said, this was a really good first post. Hope to see a lot more. BTW, since you're new here I should point out that this is all just one opinion, and not a very reliable one at that. So, take it for what it's worth. Thanks, Pete |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Rottyguy, pay no heed to the Pete behind the curtain ...  I'm a pussycat, really. Pete: Look out, you!  Linda |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
rottyguy, (cool name if i say so myself), I concur that the lines in the last stanza just don't work for me. I would replace met with meet and then find some way to get that last line to flow just a bit better, possibly by losing that again at the end and finding a better word. otherwise great job and interesting presentation. Look forward to more from you P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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