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epoet
Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

0 posted 2001-02-22 07:17 PM


Disturbed
at the sight
of a friend.

Beaten and bruised,
battered and abused;
she turns to me
for help.

He haunts her dreams,
stalking her every thought.
He terrorizes everything
she sees.

The love
once there,
now gone.
Replaced with
only anger.

Anger with which
he strikes out,
like a snake
at a mouse.

Not understanding
where things went wrong,
she cries in the night
wishing for salvation.

Determined in heart
to rid herself
of this demon,
she seeks out
the warmth of friends.

Comforting her soul,
easing her mind;
she lets go
of all fear.

Realizing now,
things will get better.
She prays for him
to seek help.

Hoping for reform
in his troubled world,
she wishes him
no harm.



P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love



© Copyright 2001 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved
YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

1 posted 2001-02-23 02:47 PM


epoet, the story you tell in this poem is sad, and is something that happens all too often. However, as far as poetry goes, the way in which you write it is uncommonly common. IMO, the work is awash in cliches too obvious to rehash. It may be good for you to take note at how poets, recognized as good, formulate their works. It is a good excercise and may help you.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2001-02-24 05:57 PM


Get rid of the short lines and describe one of these moments (you have several) in concrete imagery only -- drop harm, anger, love, dreams, wish, salvation and see what happens. I think you can suggest the same thing you are telling us here without having to tell us any of it. This would create a more powerful effect.

Brad

Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
3 posted 2001-03-01 10:33 AM


Brad and YeshuJah have the right of it, epoet ... try replacing some of the words you have the urge to default to when rendering this topic with others that might not seem obvious but are fresher and more "poetic," so to speak.  The important thing, in my opinion, is to be descriptive.  Good poetry is a stand-alone art form: you shouldn't need to post a picture with your poem because it should create one of its own in the reader's mind.  Perhaps I am oversimplifying here, but I think you get the 'picture.'  *wink*

Keep working on this ... post the rewrite here if you do one!    


Linda


[This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 03-01-2001).]

epoet
Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa
4 posted 2001-03-06 09:46 PM


Thank you for the suggestions. I will consider them all as I am considering rewriting this for a friend of mine to put in her "life book". This is a book of things that help her remember parts of her life that she is glad to have changed.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love



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