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Disturbed
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Disturbed |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa 
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Disturbed at the sight of a friend. Beaten and bruised, battered and abused; she turns to me for help. He haunts her dreams, stalking her every thought. He terrorizes everything she sees. The love once there, now gone. Replaced with only anger. Anger with which he strikes out, like a snake at a mouse. Not understanding where things went wrong, she cries in the night wishing for salvation. Determined in heart to rid herself of this demon, she seeks out the warmth of friends. Comforting her soul, easing her mind; she lets go of all fear. Realizing now, things will get better. She prays for him to seek help. Hoping for reform in his troubled world, she wishes him no harm. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved | |||
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
epoet, the story you tell in this poem is sad, and is something that happens all too often. However, as far as poetry goes, the way in which you write it is uncommonly common. IMO, the work is awash in cliches too obvious to rehash. It may be good for you to take note at how poets, recognized as good, formulate their works. It is a good excercise and may help you. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Get rid of the short lines and describe one of these moments (you have several) in concrete imagery only -- drop harm, anger, love, dreams, wish, salvation and see what happens. I think you can suggest the same thing you are telling us here without having to tell us any of it. This would create a more powerful effect. Brad |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Brad and YeshuJah have the right of it, epoet ... try replacing some of the words you have the urge to default to when rendering this topic with others that might not seem obvious but are fresher and more "poetic," so to speak. The important thing, in my opinion, is to be descriptive. Good poetry is a stand-alone art form: you shouldn't need to post a picture with your poem because it should create one of its own in the reader's mind. Perhaps I am oversimplifying here, but I think you get the 'picture.' *wink* Keep working on this ... post the rewrite here if you do one!  Linda [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 03-01-2001).] |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Thank you for the suggestions. I will consider them all as I am considering rewriting this for a friend of mine to put in her "life book". This is a book of things that help her remember parts of her life that she is glad to have changed. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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