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I'm new and looking for some advice
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I'm new and looking for some advice |
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deerfawn New Member
since 2001-02-28
Posts 4Texas, USA |
A Mirage Recklessly we charge forth heedless of where we go. All we know is emptiness, and all we feel is pain. We see the light in the distance hoping, we reach out to touch. Our hands clasp only darkness, and our hearts beat to a ragged ache Why must we charge ahead when today is all we have. The past is but a memory, and the future is but a mirage. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Fawn Acuff - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Welcome to CA, Fawn!  I'm not sure exactly what kind of critique you were looking for on this -- form/content/emotional efficacy? So I'll just give you a little overall ... Your theme is consistent ... you don't wander aimlessly here, which is a good thing in such a short piece. It might seem easier to write a short poem, but I maintain that it is actually much harder ... you have less to work with, and therefore must choose your words very carefully if you are to stir a reaction in the reader. I found that your idea was a good one, but that your diction (word choice) lacked the power necessary to realize the full potential of what you were trying to say. Overall, the poem was vague, and carries an air of the unfinished. This may simply be personal preference, but I lean toward examples rather than generalizations in a poem of this length. In fact, twelve lines may sometimes be insufficient for me to develop even one image -- much less the broad topic you have chosen here of "living in the moment." Try giving this piece a taste of something more concrete; show me someone, or yourself, seizing the day, and convince me that this is more fulfilling than pining for tomorrow. I look forward to seeing more from you around here. Linda |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
I disagree. I think this short piece has much to say about living in the moment and making it worth as much as you can. I believe in seizing the moment or day or whatever. Carpe diem my young friend. I like this alot. look forward to seeing more of you in CA. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Reading your quick note on critiques -- but you are trying to be one (aren't we all -- trying that is )I don't find this as consistent as Linda does but I also think this is an extremely difficult topic to handle effectively. Recklessly we charge forth heedless of where we go. --I don't understand the use of 'heedless' here or 'recklessly' given the further lines. You seem to be saying we're moving without any direction. Okay, so far this makes sense but doesn't it also mean that we aren't thinking about the future. All we know is emptiness, and all we feel is pain. --Grammatically, this is difficult to understand because you're using the habitual present and that would include now or, if you wish, the now. We see the light in the distance hoping, we reach out to touch. --the contradicts the first two lines: hoping and reach both imply direction. Does hope involve pain an emptiness? Our hands clasp only darkness, and our hearts beat to a ragged ache --Okay, now we have the mirage motif. Maybe expand on this a bit, give us a more detailed idea of the hope and the disappointment. Why must we charge ahead --I don't understand this and don't see the connection with the above. Why do you have to charge ahead? when today is all we have. --but that today, if the above is correct, only means pain and emptiness, or does it mean hope? The past is but a memory, and the future is but a mirage --but without the past or the future, you have no identity -- that's okay and in a Buddhist sense that would be the point but I'm immediately struch by the lack of any positive image of the moment. Why do you want to stay in the now as you described it? --Seems to me this is too general about a very specific moment that is left out of the poem: maybe write about the moment, contemplate it, treasure it, work with it and then tell me the past and the future aren't so important. --the 'is but' stuff seems a little too affected, I just don't see the need for it here. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I offer some helpful suggestions for you and yes, write what you feel. English is very effective, I'm no expert but would like to offer these few minor ideas, however, I only touched on the English part of it, unlike the other crits which were very upfront with the syntax which needs vast improvement. Don't give up! You should read some of the drivel I write!! A Mirage We charge forth recklessly (active instead of passive voice) We do not heed where we go (drop the prepositional phrase) All we know is emptiness, and all we feel is pain. (could you be more specific? What kind of pain?) We see the light in the distance we reach out hoping to touch (touch what?) Our hands clasp only darkness, and our hearts beat to a ragged ache Why must we charge ahead when today is all we have? The past is only a memory, and the future is a mirage. Kathleen Blake "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee [This message has been edited by Kathleen (edited 03-08-2001).] |
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