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Leave me to Rest
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Leave me to Rest |
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Temptress*Moon Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 240Long Island, NY |
Scrapping the sidewalks with my Feet, body hunched over aged with Lost time The misery of life clouding Visions Not knowing who i am, or how this Life of mine transformed Memories dancing around me Hazed in black and grey clouds Taking form of a spirit They surround me taking over Body and mind Feeling trapped inside this Withering life form Waiting to escape The sounds of my footsteps Come to a halt, frozen in time Why walk on an empty path? Free me now, save me from all The pain Dropping to my knees giving up Hope Let them take me now envelope my Soul, replenish it with joy Burn all the sorrow and despair Leave my corpse to rest Bring me up to heavens gate Find me peace, what i have been Longing for Cause you see there isn't much More i can take I slept and dreamed that life was beauty was thy dream then a shadowy lie? -ESH- |
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| © Copyright 2001 Danyel L. Azar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I should point out that this is a borderline poem in terms of PiP policy (but I'm sure you know that already.). What aesthetic objective are you trying to achieve here? It begins with an image of old age and tiredness and ends more or less the same as it began -- it's a static picture. If you're new to this try to see what you are doing from the reader's point of view. Why should I care about this nameless person? An important aspect of all effective poetry is surprise or tension and I really don't see much here. I'm not saying it can't end in tragedy but you might try to give some of those memories you mentioned as a ways of making the reader empathize with the speaker. Another possibility would be to avoid all mention of the speaker's actual wants, simply describe the moment as clearly as possible. This often creates its own depth with very little thought on part of the writer. And, as always, watch the cries to end it all. They are quite popular on the internet and a no no here. Just some ideas, Brad |
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Temptress*Moon Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 240Long Island, NY |
FINALLY! Someone actually willing to help*S* Isis, recomended that i go hear for help, because as you can tell i need it...I knew my poem was borderline but it is about an old homeless women  I grasped everything that you advised me on, and will try it*S* Thanks for your help Danyel I slept and dreamed that life was beauty was thy dream then a shadowy lie? -ESH- |
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