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Critical Analysis #1
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Temptress*Moon
Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 240
Long Island, NY

0 posted 2001-02-17 12:37 PM




Scrapping the sidewalks with my
Feet, body hunched over aged with
Lost time
The misery of life clouding Visions
Not knowing who i am, or how this
Life of mine transformed
Memories dancing around me
Hazed in black and grey clouds
Taking form of a spirit
They surround me taking over
Body and mind
Feeling trapped inside this
Withering life form
Waiting to escape
The sounds of my footsteps
Come to a halt, frozen in time
Why walk on an empty path?
Free me now, save me from all
The pain
Dropping to my knees giving up Hope
Let them take me now envelope my
Soul, replenish it with joy
Burn all the sorrow and despair
Leave my corpse to rest
Bring me up to heavens gate
Find me peace, what i have been
Longing for
Cause you see there isn't much
More i can take



I slept and dreamed that life was beauty was thy dream then a shadowy lie? -ESH-

© Copyright 2001 Danyel L. Azar - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2001-02-19 02:31 AM


I should point out that this is a borderline poem in terms of PiP policy (but I'm sure you know that already.). What aesthetic objective are you trying to achieve here? It begins with an image of old age and tiredness and ends more or less the same as it began -- it's a static picture.

If you're new to this try to see what you are doing from the reader's point of view. Why should I care about this nameless person? An important aspect of all effective poetry is surprise or tension and I really don't see much here. I'm not saying it can't end in tragedy but you might try to give some of those memories you mentioned as a ways of making the reader empathize with the speaker. Another possibility would be to avoid all mention of the speaker's actual wants, simply describe the moment as clearly as possible. This often creates its own depth with very little thought on part of the writer.

And, as always, watch the cries to end it all. They are quite popular on the internet and a no no here.

Just some ideas,
Brad

Temptress*Moon
Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 240
Long Island, NY
2 posted 2001-02-19 11:12 AM


FINALLY!
Someone actually willing to help*S*
Isis, recomended that i go hear for help, because as you can tell i need it...I knew my poem was borderline but it is about an old homeless women
I grasped everything that you advised me on, and will try it*S*
Thanks for your help
Danyel



I slept and dreamed that life was beauty was thy dream then a shadowy lie? -ESH-

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