The Sight of You - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #1

The Sight of You

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2001-02-17 09:58 AM

I see you,
and words slip from tongue's grasp,
higher brain functioning fumbles, stalls,
breathing stops,
for just a moment,
all I can do is feel
the limbic emotions,
the primordial needing,
that the sight of you calls up
from deep within me.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-17-2001).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2001-02-19 02:33 AM

Kris,
Rewrite this making the actual physical sensations clearer (yeah, I'm serious) and repost it in Adult. This has the potential to be a really strong erotic poem precisely because the person isn't there.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-02-19 10:39 AM

Hi Kris,

Yes this is a pretty sensual (or is that sensuous) read. On the one hand, I too would like to see just a bit more but have to agree that it would then probably belong in Adult. On the other hand though, it has a nice suggestive tone just as it is. So I guess I'm on the fence here. One thing I wasn't too fond of was the third line. "Higher brain functioning" just seemed too technical or clinical or something. I think softer wording there would contribute positively.

Thanks,
Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-02-19 04:20 PM

Brad,

I can't begin to count the times you have suggested to me to delete a part of a poem, so more would be left to the reader's imagination

Well, I think this would be a time NOT to add anything, so more will be left to the reader's imagination...hmmm?

Pete,

I think your inclination to leave it as is, with the exception of "higher brain functioning", is more what I had in mind. I'll try to think of a different way to say that particular phrase. What about "judgement and reasoning fumble, stall"? Let me know what you think.

Thank you both for reading and commenting...
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.